Dr. Wingnut

Welcome to the next edition of getting to know your friends. What you're supposed to do is copy (not forward) this entire eMail and paste it onto a new eMail that you'll send. Change all of the answers so they apply to you then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you'll learn a lot of little known facts about your friends.

1. What time do you wake up in the morning?
2. If you could eat lunch with one celebrity, who would it be?
3. Gold or silver?
4. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
5. Favorite TV shows?
6. What do you have for breakfast?
7. Who would you hate to be left in a room with?
8. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
9. What inspires you?
10. What's your middle name?
11. Beach, city, or country?
12. Summer or Winter?
13. Favorite ice cream?
14. Buttered, plain, or salted popcorn?
15. Favorite color?
16. Favorite car?
17. Favorite sandwich filling?
18. True love?
19. What characteristics do you despise?
20. Favorite flowers?
21. If you had a big win in the lottery, how long would you wait to tell people?
22. What color is your bathroom(s)?
23. How many keys on your key ring?
24. Where would you retire to?
25. Can you juggle? if yes how many?
26. Favorite day(s) of the week:
27. Red or white wine?
28. What did you do for your last birthday?
29. Do you carry a donor card?
30. Who do you least expect to send this back?
31. Who is the person you expect to send this back first?

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And cat would not obey them.

And when Adam and Eve gazed into cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast, when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

(Pause)

"C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.

Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known.

In light of the news of the so-called human cloning going on, I have to ask the hypothetical question.

If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be:

1. murder,
2. suicide, or
3. merely making an obscene clone fall.

Can you believe it?
Cheeky?
What you see below are not see-thru skirts. They are actually prints on the skirts to make it look as if the panties are visible and the current rage in Japan.
I suppose at least you could choose what sort of bum profile you'd like!

Looks like someone is having too much fun with photo shop it you ask me. -JDL

Sung to "If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands."

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is too risky,
Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

It's pre-emptive non-aggression, bomb Iraq.
To prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's all the proof we need,
If they're not there, they must be,
Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
And he tried to kill your dad,
Bomb Iraq.

If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We'll call it treason,
Let's make war not love this season,
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.