Dr. Wingnut

The F@#* word…

There are only eleven times in history when the “F” word has been considered acceptable for use.  They are as follows:

• “What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?”Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
• “What the @#$% was that?”Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
• “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?”Custer, 1877
• “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.”Einstein, 1938
• “It does so @#$%ing look like her!” Picasso, 1926
• “How the @#$% did you work that out?”Pythagoras, 126 BC
• “You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?” Michelangelo, 1566
• “Where the @#$% am I?”Amelia Earhart, 1937
• “Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!”Noah, 4314 BC
• “Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?”Bill Clinton, 1999
• “Geez, I didn’t think they’d get this @%#*^ing mad.”Saddam Hussein, 2003

There are a couple of additional appropriate uses which would bring the total count to thirteen.

Tee Shirt

I purchased a t-shirt from a street vendor in New York City when I was there on business in the early 1990′s.  It seemed so right for the way I was feeling in the “Big Apple.”  The text on the front is:

HOW TO USE THE F WORD

1. Dismay — Oh!  Fuck it.
2. Aggression — Fuck you.
3. Passive — Fuck me.
4. Command — Go fuck yourself.
5. Incompetence — He’s a fuck-up.
6. Laziness — He’s a fuck-off.
7. Ignorance — He’s a fucking jerk.
8. Trouble — I guess I’m fucked now.
9. Confusion — What the fuck.
10. Dispair — Fucked again.
11. Philosophical — Who gives a fuck?
12. Denial — You ain’t fucking me.
13. Rebellion — Fuck the world.
14. Annoyance — Don’t fuck with me.
15. Encouragement — Keep on fucking.
16. Etiquette — Pass the fucking salt.
17. Fraud — I got fucked by my insurance agent.
18. Difficulty — I can’t understant this fucking business.
19. Identification — Who the fuck are you?
20. Ugliness — You’re a dumb looking fuck.
21. Agreement — You’re fucking oh right.
22. Benevolence — Don’t do me any fucking favors.

My sister in law

When my sister-in-law Marlys was a little girl, she told my wife that she knew what the “F” word was.  It’s, “Shit,” she said.

When I pointed out the following picture to a friend, he inquired, “I wonder where the mass graves are hidden?”

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen.  He asks her what her leadership philosophy is.  She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

He asks how she knows if they’re intelligent. “I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen.  “Allow me to demonstrate.”  She phones Tony Blair, puts him on speakerphone, and says, “Mr. Prime Minister.  Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister.  Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It is I, ma’am.”  “Correct.  Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen.

She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”  “Yes, ma’am. Thanks a lot.  I’ll definitely be using that!”

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he’d better put the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test.  He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”  “Why, of course, sir.  What’s on your mind?”  “Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.  Who is it?”

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?”  Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.  Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.  Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

“Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.  Who is it?”  Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course, you dumb cracker.”

Much relieved Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir!  I know who it is!  It’s Colin Powell!”

Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it’s Tony Blair!”

Two men were talking. So, how’s your sex life?”

Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.”

Social Security sex?”

Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!”

Loud Sex

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor.

Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.”

My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”

The problem is,” she complained, “It wakes me up!”

Quiet Sex

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, “How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?”

She glanced at him casually and replied, “You’re never home!”

Confounded Sex

A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body.  His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.  The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for “small, $6,500 for “medium, $14,000 for “large.”  The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.  The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.  The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.  “Well, what have the two of you decided?”  asked the doctor.  The man answered, She’d rather remodel the kitchen”.

Women’s Humor

• My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, “This will make you happy tonight.” He was right.  When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.  He couldn’t get back in.
• One night an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment…killing him instantly.  Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.  She began coolly, Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is Politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.  Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.  We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.  The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.  And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.  Now think about that and see if it makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.  Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.  He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.  So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep.  Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.  Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.  He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his Father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.  “The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

As Steve Streitmatter, director of IT services at FedEx Services, recently explained it to me, the 2 and 10 refer to years.  Vendors would often have you believe that a certain technology is going to be a big deal within two years, but it usually takes 10 years for a technology to blossom.  But when that technology blossoms, it really is a big deal.

Dear Abby:

I have been so blessed in my life. Great parents, great wife and kids, great job, and great education.

When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime — bass fishing.  I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.  Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do.  We quickly became fishing buddies.  As I said the wife doesn’t care about fishing; she not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever.  Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you’ve ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother!  So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she’d get interested.  Instead she says she doesn’t want me to go fishing at all anymore!  And she wants me to sell the boat!  I think she just doesn’t like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do?  Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,

A fisherman

PS: I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass we caught.

Dear Fisherman,

Get rid of that narrow minded wife.