Dr. Wingnut

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls exclusively for the Arizona market:

Ahwatukee Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.  Included are her own Starbucks cup, platinum credit card, and country club membership.  Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper.  You won’t be able to afford any of them.

Apache Junction Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit.  This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash, preferably small, untraceable bills.  However, if you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

Chandler Barbie

This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit.  She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education.  Radar jamming cell phone sold separately.

Flagstaff Barbie

This doll is made of actual tofu.  She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks.  She prefers that you call her “Willow”.  She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Flagstaff Barbie’s and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

Gilbert Barbie

She’s perfect in every way.  We don’t know where Ken is because he’s always away hunting.

Goodyear Barbie

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Apache Junction Barbie’s (discontinued) house.nbsp; Her ensemble includes low-rise, acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, a Blonde wig and a see-through halter top.  Also available with a park model trailer in a defunct trailer park.

Guadalupe Barbie

This Spanish speaking Barbie comes with a 1978 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats.  The optional Ken doll comes with a meat packer’s uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand.  Green cards are not available for Guadalupe Barbie or Ken.

Mesa Barbie

This stay at home Barbie comes dressed in a maternity shirt and knee length shorts.  She is sold packaged with husband Ken and 2.5 children.  Deluxe set includes a Ford Expedition and a double stroller.

Phoenix Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll.  Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass.  Gangsta Ken (recently escaped from ‘government housing’ in Florence) and his ’79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Scottsdale Barbie

This princess Barbie is only sold at Scottsdale Fashion Center.  She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house.  Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift.  Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version.

Sedona Barbie

This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the lodge.  Optional Percocet prescription available.

Sun City Barbie/Ken

These dolls are going fast!  Well, what we mean is they’re old and don’t have much time left.  Neither of them have a drivers license, but drive anyway.  They write checks for everything or pay with change, and can provide hours of endless repetitive conversation about “The good ol’ days”.  Can be seen in Barbie Grocery Store (sold separately) arguing over prices.

Van Buren Barbie/Ken

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple “snap-on” parts.  Usually found near 24th street.

Jim and Edna ( I think they’re your aunt and uncle on your mother’s side ) were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, uncle Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.  He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.  Aunt Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled uncle Jim out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of aunt Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell aunt Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient.  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.  The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom, right after you saved him….  I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Aunt Edna replied “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry….  How soon can I go home?”

In his memoirs, A World Transformed, written five years ago, George H.W. Bush wrote the following to explain why he didn’t go after Saddam Hussein at the end of the Gulf War:

“Trying to eliminate Saddam…would have incurred incalculable human and political costs.  We would have been forced to occupy Baghdad and, in effect, rule Iraq….There was no viable ‘exit strategy’ we could see, violating another of our principles.  Furthermore, we had been consciously trying to set a pattern for handling aggression in the post-Cold War world.  Going in and occupying Iraq, thus unilaterally exceeding the United Nations’ mandate, would have destroyed the precedent of international response to aggression that we hoped to establish.  Had we gone the invasion route, the United States could conceivably still be an occupying power in a bitterly hostile land.”

If only his son could read!

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

I was a little offended when I used the men’s room at Home Depot last week and a sign by the urinals said, “We can rent you the best tool to do the job!”

Hell, I thought I had it in my hand!

I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure — try to please everybody.