Dr. Wingnut

All human failures are the result of a lack of love.

President Bush was scheduled to worship at a small Methodist Church outside Washington, D.C. as part of Karl Rove’s campaign to reverse Bush’s rapidly deteriorating approval ratings.  A week before the visit, Rove called on the Methodist Bishop who was scheduled to preach on the chosen Sunday.

“As you know, Bishop,” began Rove, “we’ve been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of the president’s position on stem cell research and the like.  We’d gladly arrange for Jack Abramoff’s friends to make a contribution of $100,000 to the church if during your sermon you would say that President Bush is a Saint.”

The Bishop thought about it for a few minutes, and finally said, “This parish is in rather desperate need of funds … I’ll agree to do it.”

The following Sunday, Bush pompously showed up for the photo op, looking especially smug even while attempting to appear pious.

After making a few announcements, the Bishop began his homily: “George W. Bush is a petty, vindictive, sanctimonious hypocrite and a nitwit.  He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel with the world’s largest chip on his shoulder.  He used every dirty election trick in the book and still lost, but his toadies in the Supreme Court appointed him.  He lied about his military record in which he used special privilege to avoid combat, and then had the gall to dress up and pose on an aircraft carrier before a banner stating “Mission Accomplished.”

He invaded a sovereign country for oil and war profiteering, turning Iraq into a training ground for terrorists who would destroy our country.  He continues to confuse the American people by insisting on a nonexistent connection between the horrors of 9/11 and the reason he started his war in Iraq.

He routinely appoints incompetent and unqualified cronies to high-level federal government positions and as a result, hundreds and hundreds of Americans died tragically in New Orleans.  He lets corporate polluters despoil God’s creation and doom our planet.  He uses fearmongering to justify warrantless spying on American citizens, in clear violation of our Constitution.

He is so psychotic and megalomaniacal that he believes that he was chosen by God.

He is the worst example of a Methodist I have ever personally known.

But compared to Dick Cheney, Tom DeLay and Karl Rove and the rest of the evil fascist bastards in this administration, “George W. Bush is a Saint.”

The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.

Press Release
(Feb 18, 2006)

The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department issued a statement today saying Vice President Cheney broke no law by shooting a lawyer instead of a quail over the weekend.

A TPWD spokesman noted that, in Texas, lawyers are not considered game creatures, and are thus not subject to seasonal limitations or bag limits.  It was further noted that lawyer hunting was encouraged as the state is overrun with the pesky creatures.  A local food critic said that, contrary to rumor, lawyers do not taste like chicken, but rather like bovine dung which is a major component of their composition.

Son, always tell the truth.  Then you’ll never have to remember what you said the last time.

Effective immediately, please be aware that there are changes YOU need to make in YOUR life.  These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill My promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life.  I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you.  Please, follow these 10 guidelines:

1. QUIT WORRYING:
   Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry.  Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you?  Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?
2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:
   Something needs done or taken care of.  Put it on the list.  No, not YOUR list.  Put it on MY to-do-list.  Let ME be the one to take care of the problem.  I can’t help you until you turn it over to Me.  And although My to-do-list is long, I am after all…  God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands.  In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.
3. TRUST ME:
   Once you’ve given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them back.  Trust in Me.  Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials.  Problems with the kids?  Put them on My list.  Problem with finances?  Put it on My list.  Problems with your emotional roller coaster?  For My sake, put it on My list.  I want to help you.  All you have to do is ask.
4. LEAVE IT ALONE:
   Don’t wake up one morning and say, “Well, I’m feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here.”  Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It’s simple.  You gave Me your burdens and I’m taking care of them.  I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace.  Don’t you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started?  Leave them with Me and forget about them.  Just let Me do my job.
5. TALK TO ME:
   I want you to forget a lot of things.  Forget what was making you crazy.  Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I’m in control. But there’s one thing I pray you never forget.  Please, don’t forget to talk to Me – OFTEN!  I love YOU!  I want to hear your voice.  I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life.  I want to hear you talk about your friends and family.  Prayer is simply you having a conversation with Me.  I want to be your dearest friend.
6. HAVE FAITH:
   I see a lot of things from up here that you can’t see from where you are.  Have faith in Me that I know what I’m doing.  Trust Me; you wouldn’t want the view from My eyes.  I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs.  You only have to trust Me.  Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part.  How hard can trust be?
7. SHARE:
   You were taught to share when you were only two years old.  When did you forget?  That rule still applies.  Share with those who are less fortunate than you.  Share your joy with those who need encouragement.  Share your laughter with those who haven’t heard any in such a long time.  Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry.  Share your faith with those who have none.
8. BE PATIENT:
   I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences.  You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much.  How can you be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle something on My to-do-list?  Trust in My timing, for My timing is perfect.  Just because I created the entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.
9. BE KIND:
   Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you.  They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all.  Please try to get along, for My sake.  I created each of you different in some way.  It would be too boring if you were all identical.  Please, know I love each of your differences.
10. LOVE YOURSELF:
    As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself?  You were created by me for one reason only — to be loved, and to love in return.  I am a God of Love.  Love Me.  Love your neighbors.  But also love yourself.  It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong.  You are very precious to me.  Don’t ever forget…

God

The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word ‘crisis.’  One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity.  In a crisis, be aware of the danger — but recognize the opportunity.