Dr. Wingnut

More power than any good man should want, and more power than any other kind of man ought to have.

Grumbling is the death of love.

The Husband Store:

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands.  When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance, which reads:

“You may visit this store only once!  There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights.

You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1^st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 — These men have jobs!

She was looking for someone with more to offer than that so she proceeds to the 2^nd floor.

The 2^nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 — These men have jobs and love kids.

Still not fully satisfied she goes to the 3^rd floor.  The 3^rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 — These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4^th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 — These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the 5^th floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 — These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak.  She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6^th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 — You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor.  This floor exists solely as proof that women are generally impossible to please.  Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

The Wife Store

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street from his Husband Store.

The 1^st first floor has wives that love sex.

The 2^nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3^rd through 6^th floors have never been visited.

Trust, like the soul, never returns once it is gone.

Keep This Handy On The Fridge

Did You Know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately — without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional “pain relievers.”

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints.  They’ll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu?  Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil.  Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

“Sore throat?  Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day.  The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer.  Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly — even though the product was never been advertised for this use.

“Honey remedy for skin blemishes … Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it.  Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing.  Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus.  Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash.  The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection… To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer … If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can’t find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409.  Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover .just pour a drop of Elmer’s Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin.  The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt’s tomato paste boil cure …cover the boil with Hunt’s tomato paste as a compress.  The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters… To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine …a powerful antiseptic.

Vinegar to heal bruises … Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour.  The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process. Kills fleas instantly

Kills fleas instantly…Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick.  Add a few drops to your dog’s bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly.  Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Good-bye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor.  Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites … All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat’s ear … Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball.  Repeat daily for 3 days.  The oil soothes the cat’s skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief… It’s not for breakfast any more!  Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.