Dr. Wingnut

The following blurb was in the table of contents in Time, 1 October, 2007 issue under the item for the cover story, “Who owns the Arctic?”:

With ice caps melting, competing nations see not catastrophe but oil-filled billions.

How unbelievably greedy do we need to be before we wipe ourselves out, the latest of our systematic extinction of species on the planet earth?

To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves.

“They” are still out there — in force…

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.  I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

“We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter.

“You don’t?” I replied.

“We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply.

“So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?”

“That’s right.”

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.  I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.  After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider”, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.  Not finding the bar code she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?”

I said to her “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.”

She said “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left.  She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.  When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy.”

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.  “Do you need some help?” I asked.

She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker.  Now I can’t get into my car.  Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?”

“Hmmm, I dunno.  Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked.

“No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries.  It’s a long walk.”

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.  One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper.  What do I do?”

“Just use copier machine paper,” the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.

SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage.  The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister.”  I asked the manager what had happened.

He told me that the driver had set the “cruise control” and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank.  Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.  One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: “I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.  Do you guys have a fire downtown?”

EIGHT

Police in Radnor, Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.  The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth.  Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants.

The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it s hould be fine.

The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer…

Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!

Life is tough

It’s tougher if you’re stupid!

Work while you have the light.  You are responsible for the talent that has been entrusted to you.

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.  The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no Woodpecker could peck.  The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, flew to hawaii and pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was Absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use).  The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge.

After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused.  How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you’re away from home.

Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing.