Dr. Wingnut

A woman is driving at night on a narrow country road.  At the same time, a man is driving in the opposite direction on that same road.

When they narrowly pass each other at high speed, the woman rolls down her window and Loudly shouts, “Horse!”

Immediately the man shouts back, “Bitch!”

The man laughs. He is proud to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman and takes the next turn in the road, maintaining his speed.

Men never listen, and when they do, they don’t understand one word a woman says.

Sometimes the simple, stupid way is also the best way.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.  When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don‚Äôt step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.  It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.  St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn‚Äôt miss a thing.  With him is another extremely ugly man.  He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.  The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.  She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ‚Ķ. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”   The guy says, “I don‚Äôt know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

An AA sponsor is not a professional caseworker or counselor of any sort.  A sponsor is not someone to borrow money from, nor get clothes, jobs, or food from.  A sponsor is not a medical expert, nor qualified to give religious, legal, domestic or psychiatric advice, although a good sponsor is usually willing to discuss such matters confidentially, and often can suggest where the appropriate professional assistance can be obtained.

A sponsor is simply a sober alcoholic who can help solve only one problem: how to stay sober.  And the sponsor has only one tool to use – personal experience, not scientific wisdom.

Sponsors have been there, and often have more concern, hope, compassion, and confidence for us than we have for ourselves.  They certainly have had more experience.  Remembering their own condition, they reach out to help, not down.

Great is the guilt of an unnecessary war.

There are less than three months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States.

The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.  To show our solidarity as Americans, let’s all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice.  It’s time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.

If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day.  If you support Obama, please drive with your headlights off at night.

Thank you for your participation in this patriotic endeavor!

Twenty-five things you’d love to say out-loud at work, or baseball fields, or family functions, or church meetings

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never?  Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here.  I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10. Ahhh… I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you.  You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I’m not being rude.  You’re just insignificant.
16. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
17. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
18. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
19. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
20. Errors have been made.  Others will be blamed.
21. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
22. Nice perfume.  Must you marinate in it?
23. Chaos, panic, and disorder—my work here is done.
24. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
25. Who lit the fuse on your tampon.