Football blonde joke

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best — because it makes football make sense!  A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.  They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was… ‘Get the quarterback!  Get the quarterback!’  I’m like…Helloooooo?  It’s only 25 cents!”

via email from Martha Clark, Mon, 16 Sep 2013 13:14:55 -0700

Snow Problem…

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Duluth were listening to the radio during breakfast…

They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.  You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”  So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.  You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”  The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.  You must park…” then the electric power went out.  The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do… which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blonde’s exhibit, the husband replied,

“Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time?”

via email from D. Kimball Lord, Sat, 5 Jan 2013 03:20:38 -0800

Blonde Mortician

A man who’d just died was delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed.  She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.  She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day for the wake.  To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly…

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied… You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful.  How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check… “There’s no charge,” she says.

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she says.

“Honestly, ma’am,” the blonde says, “it cost nothing.  You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.  I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.”  “So I just switched the heads.”

via email from D. Kimball Lord, Fri, 19 Oct 2012 01:45:27 -0700

Two Sisters

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, Inherit the family ranch.  Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.  In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.  The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.  After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.  She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I”ve bought a bull for our ranch.  I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, and then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.”  Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable’.”

The operator shakes his head.  “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word “comfortable?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde.  The word is big.  She’ll read it very slowly… ‘Com-for-da-bul’.”

via email from John Treworgy, Mon, 23 Jul 2012 14:37:31 -0700

Complicated puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me.  I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax.  Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then… he said, with a deep sigh,

(scroll down)

“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

via email from Martha Clark, Wed, 10 Dec 2008 13:39:25 -0800

Game Show Blonde

On a famous TV game show a blonde contestant needed only to answer one more question.  One simple question stood between her and one million dollars!

“To be today’s champion,” the show’s smiling host intoned, “name two of Santa’s reindeer.”

The contestant, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that she had drawn such an easy question.  “Rudolph!” she said confidently, “and, …Olive!”

The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, “Yes, we’ll accept Rudolph but could you please explain… ‘Olive?!?'”

“You know,” the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer — had a very shiny nose.  And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed.  Olive, the other reindeer…”

via email from D. Kimball Lord, Wed, 3 Dec 2008 14:32:31 -0800

I lost my wine glass

Mother Superior calls the nuns together and says to them, “I must tell you all something….  We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”

“Praise the Lord!” says a blond nun at the back.  “I’m so tired of Chardonnay.”

via email from John Treworgy, Mon, 30 May 2005 10:46:49 -0700