Dr. Wingnut

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story…

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?

To ex-Louisianaians, present Louisianaians, and future Louisianaians:

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

1. There is no need to panic.
2. We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.''

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1.

Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2.

Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3.

Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

Homeowners' Insurance:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

1. It is reasonably well-built, and
2. It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

Shutters:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and — if it's a major hurricane — all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters:

The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters:

The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters:

The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

"Hurricane-proof" windows:

These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

"Hurricane Proofing" Your Property:

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

Evacuation Route:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Louisiana," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits.

Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

Hurricane Supplies:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies.

Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who get the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

• 23 flashlights
• At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
• Bleach (No, I don't know what the bleach is for NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
• A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
• A big knife that you can strap to your leg (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
• A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators (Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
• $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!

• If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
• If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
• The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
• A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
• A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
• Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home…… maybe at work.)
• The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ( "Honey, I'm home. What the….?!" )
• The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes… lucky pig… can you imagine??)
• The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
• Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)
• Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
• The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm……..)
• Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
• Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing….)
• A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
• Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
• Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
• Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)… in other words send it to everyone.

The time stood still on 9/11

the lines were long that day in heaven

Our lives and hearts were torn apart

Too soon to leave, too young to part

It came upon the wings of steel

the terror we once thought unreal

From twisted minds came evil's fury

they made their plans as judge and jury

They thought us weak, with no defense

They targeted our innocence

They didn't think that we could cope

they tried to take away our hope

They hit us hard, our souls to sever

with cuts so deep they'd last forever

The impact would be felt worldwide

With condemnation unified

It ripped right through all walks of life

Father, daughter, husband, wife

The lives of young and old were shattered

Religions, races, nothing mattered

Innocents without a sin

Courageous servants rushing in

Brave men women, sons mothers

Sacrificing, saving others

Our world will never be the same

since once upon a time they came

and began to play their deadly games

with hidden lives and made-up names

But through the ashes, hope survives

and fills us with its rising tides

We stand together, tall proud

Our will is strong, our voices loud.

Too RED the blood, too WHITE the dust,

True BLUE the heroes we gave our trust.

The colors of our flags kept flying

while a part of every heart was dying.

We've learned some lessons, faced our fears

We can be strong and show our tears

From every corner of our nation

We'll show you our determination

You thought you beat us with your terror

But that will be your gravest error

You may have taken down our towers

But you've not yet seen our finest hours

Tell all good nations, we will lead 'em

We'll triumph with enduring freedom

We will not bow down, no, not again!

STILL PROUD TO BE AMERICAN!

As you know, there is a certain group, caste, or religion in India where the women have a red spot on their forehead. You have probably wondered what this is for.

The answer is very simple. when they get married their husband gets to scratch it off to see if he has won a convenience store, gas station or a motel in America.

The President of the United States, George W. Bush, has asked that all Americans and Canadians unite together in a common cause to root out terrorists hiding in our community.

Since Muslim extremists cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not one's wife, on this coming Sunday afternoon at 2:00 p.m. EDT, all North American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove that you think it's OK to see other women nude.

Since they do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-terrorist sentiment.

Names and addresses of non-participants should be sent to CIA headquarters, Langley, Virginia.

The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your efforts.

Please, by all means, send this to your fellow Patriots to ensure 100% participation.