For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know…..
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it.
A man answered saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I Yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him.
He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID Program."
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down the phone number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can I come by to see it?"
"Sure, I'm at 1802 West 34th Street. A yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to come by, Don?"
"Anytime after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with a new idea:
I called Asshole #1.
"Hello"
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yep," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Why don't we meet in person?"
"OK Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black BMW out front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. You ready to get your ass kicked?"
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called asshole #2: "Hello?" he said.
"Hello Asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are…"
"You'll what?" I said.
I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then, I hung up, and Immediately called the police saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on west 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
Now, I really feel better!
via eMail, Wed, 20 Nov 2002 10:50:24 -0700
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't have to make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work or shop.
I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in…
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing along song on the radio.
Your keys right where you look.
I wish you a day of happiness and perfection-little bite-size pieces of perfection that give you the funny feeling that the Lord is smiling on you, holding you so gently because you are someone special and rare.
I wish You a day of Peace, Happiness and Joy.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.
Send this phrase to the people you'll never forget and remember to send it also to the person who sent it to you. It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them.
If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're in too much of a hurry and that you've probably forgotten your friends.
Take the time!
eMail from Martha Harris 18-November-2002
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Minnesota Vikings."
(And they say blondes are dumb!!!)
via eMail, Mon, 18 Nov 2002 18:56:19 -0500
Dear Friends.
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.
The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.
via eMail, Mon, 18 Nov 2002 18:53:07 -0500
Meditation: What if your boss could not make you angry? What if your mate could not make you jealous? What if no one else in the world could make you feel shame, guilt, rage, hatred, or any other negative emotion? Love is the only energy which flows from our Universal source. If unconditional love is the only emotion in, it can be the only emotion which comes out of you! Think about it the next time someone makes you feel. Those emotions had to be there for the other person to get them to come out. You cannot get grape juice from a banana. Only store love inside yourself.
Affirmation: When only unconditional love is inside me only unconditional love can come from me.
Unity Church of Greater Portland. 9-November-2002
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies,
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: Number 1, you have to be single; and number 2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Larry."
via eMail, Mon, 4 Nov 2002 12:29:40 -0700
