Dr. Wingnut

It's time once again to review the winners of the annual "Stella Awards".

The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

Unfortunately, the most recent lawsuit implicating McDonalds – the teens who allege that eating at McDonalds has made them fat – was filed after the 2002 award voting was closed. This suit will top the 2003 list without question.

Here are this year's winners:

5th Place tie:

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place tie:

A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice that there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place tie:

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place:

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place:

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tail bone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place:

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place:

This year's run away winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, (from an O.U. football game), having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

In short, our justice system is going flippin' mad.

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I got laid off from my job and took "early retirement" in September, it became necessary for Sonya to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.

Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Sonya is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sonya on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Signed, James Hall

James' funeral was on Saturday, April 25th.

Sonya was acquitted Monday, April 28th

Some artists from the '60s are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate "our" generation:

• Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"
• The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
• The Temptations: "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
• Ringo Star: "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
• Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
• Procol Harum: "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
• Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
• Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
• ABBA: "Denture Queen"
• Paul Simon: "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
• Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
• The Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
• Bobby Darin: "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"

We knew her as Phyllis, and "fillus" she did
With the spirit of hope and the faith of a kid.
But even in our sadness, we knew what was true…
We were graced by an angel who was just passing through.

She lived life, she loved life, she cherished it all
And when dear friends were in need, she answered the call.
We basked in her warmth and "relished" her treats
With a door always open and a bed with clean sheets.

And when time grew closer, two angels were sent
They showed her God's Heaven, so magnificent
That she beamed and proclaimed to all who came near
Of the beauty and wonder that was now crystal clear.

One angel got restless and anticipating…
He knew handsome Stubby was anxious and waiting
But the other said,"wait… for a few things unfinished"
Let God's Love shine through with a light undiminished.

She shared her great vision as a witness so sure
With her soul filled with joy, her immense heart so pure.
From the earth she did leave…on to Heaven above,
But she left us with the truth of God's unending love.

But where, it will naturally be asked, is this wonderful, mystic Power to be contacted?  Where may we find it?  And how is it brought into action?  The answer is perfectly simple — This Power is to be found within your own consciousness, the last place that most people would look for it.  Right within your own mentality there lies a source of energy stronger than electricity, more potent than high explosive; unlimited and inexhaustible.  You only need to make conscious contact with this Power to set it working in your affairs; and all the marvelous results enumerated can be yours.  This is the real meaning of such sayings in the Bible as "The Kingdom of God is within you" and "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and all the rest shall be added."

Heaven Is

Where the police are British
The cooks are French
The mechanics are German
The lovers are Italian
and It's all organised by the Swiss

Hell is

Where the chefs are British
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss
The police are German
and its all run by the Italians