Two-minute Index

  • I always confuse NRA & NPR.  Totally different tote bags.
  • Sometimes when I’m really lonely I talk to myself, but I call myself “you guys.”
  • There’s no way my heart can handle what’s in an email labeled ELEPHANTS REUNITING AFTER 20 YRS.
  • Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings.
  • My dog is right.  The bathroom is not a library.
  • I hate drama = I love drama.
  • Unfortunate is the man who employs baby talk.
  • A bull in pretty much any shop is gonna be a mess.
  • Saying “RELAX” is maybe the least relaxing word you can say to someone.
  • I still wake up so jazzed that I don’t have to go to school.
  • Some of the most misogynistic men I know are women.
  • “I hate clouds,” declared my dad out of nowhere.
  • Heartbreaking converges with crazy cute at the sight of tiny crutches.
  • The two saddest consecutive sentences: “He just wants attention.  Don’t give it to him.”
  • Behind every great big bully is a great big bully.
  • People in cults don’t call their cults cults.
  • Let’s not wait for the apocalypse or an alien attack to love each other, y’all.
  • You don’t have to do what’s expected of you.
  • Just a quick reminder: other people exist.
  • It bothers me that I’m not your entire world.
  • We are all 100% going to die someday.
  • Your fancy frankenstein cross-breed vanity dog can’t breathe you obnoxious boob.
  • Spoiled rich kids who’ve never heard the word “no” are such a delight to be around in general.
  • Vote “No” on this spelling of Geoff.
  • You had me ’til Hello.
By Sarah Silverman from the back of my cup at Chipotle yesterday

More ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity

  • In addition to using, “for sexual favors” in the memo field of all your checks try: “For smuggling diamonds”, “Bribe payoff”, “Drug purchase”, etc.
  • Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
  • Add to the mood when you put up mosquito netting around your cube by playing tropical sounds all day.
  • Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, “Rock Bottom.”
  • When the money comes out the ATM, scream, “I Won!  I Won!”
  • When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, “Run for your lives!  They’re loose!”
  • Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
Additional healthy additions to How to keep a healthy level of insanity in the workplace and HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE via email from, Greg Merth, Wed, 20 Aug 2008 07:20:01 -0700

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

  • Save the whales.  Collect the whole set
  • A day without sunshine is like, night.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  • I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • Remember half the people you know are below average.
  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
  • Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • I intend to live forever – so far so good.
  • Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • My mind is like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in 37 states.
  • Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  • The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  • Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
  • When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
  • The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
  • The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
  • Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
  • Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.
  • Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
  • If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  • How many of you believe in telekinesis?  Raise my hand…
  • Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.
via email, Wed, 17 Nov 1999 15:31:20 -0500

HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE

  1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  2. Insist that your e mail address be “Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.”
  3. In the memo field of all your checks, write, “for sexual favors”
  4. Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
  5. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
  6. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area.  Insist to others that you like it that way.
  7. Don’t use any punctuation
  8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  9. Ask people what sex they are.
  10. Specify that your drive through order is “to go.”
  11. Sing along at the opera.
  12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
  13. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
  14. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
  15. AnD tHe FiNal wAy tO aNnOy PeOple:
    Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you.

How to keep a healthy level of insanity in the workplace

  • Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
  • Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.  Always wear them one day after your boss does.  (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender.)
  • Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names.  “That’s a good point, Sparky.”  “No I’m sorry, I have to disagree with you there, Skippy.”
  • Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing.  For example, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
  • “Hi-lite” your shoes.  Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.
  • While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive.”
  • Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
  • Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
  • Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting.  During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
  • Insist that your e-mail address be: “ZenaGoddessOfFire@CompanyName.com”
  • Every time someone asks you to do something, ask, “Would you like fries with that.”
  • Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products.  Forward the mail to a coworker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
  • Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
  • Put your garbage can on your desk.  Label it, “IN”
  • Determine how many cups of coffee are, “too many.”
  • Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
  • Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge.  Try to pass them off as your children.
  • For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank.  If no one notices, take off your snorkel and see how many fish you can catch in your mouth.
  • Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts, etc. in the lunchroom.  When people complain that there was none — Just lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”
  • Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks.  Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.