Two-minute Index

  • I always confuse NRA & NPR.  Totally different tote bags.
  • Sometimes when I’m really lonely I talk to myself, but I call myself “you guys.”
  • There’s no way my heart can handle what’s in an email labeled ELEPHANTS REUNITING AFTER 20 YRS.
  • Nothing’s more attractive than an unending monologue about your shortcomings.
  • My dog is right.  The bathroom is not a library.
  • I hate drama = I love drama.
  • Unfortunate is the man who employs baby talk.
  • A bull in pretty much any shop is gonna be a mess.
  • Saying “RELAX” is maybe the least relaxing word you can say to someone.
  • I still wake up so jazzed that I don’t have to go to school.
  • Some of the most misogynistic men I know are women.
  • “I hate clouds,” declared my dad out of nowhere.
  • Heartbreaking converges with crazy cute at the sight of tiny crutches.
  • The two saddest consecutive sentences: “He just wants attention.  Don’t give it to him.”
  • Behind every great big bully is a great big bully.
  • People in cults don’t call their cults cults.
  • Let’s not wait for the apocalypse or an alien attack to love each other, y’all.
  • You don’t have to do what’s expected of you.
  • Just a quick reminder: other people exist.
  • It bothers me that I’m not your entire world.
  • We are all 100% going to die someday.
  • Your fancy frankenstein cross-breed vanity dog can’t breathe you obnoxious boob.
  • Spoiled rich kids who’ve never heard the word “no” are such a delight to be around in general.
  • Vote “No” on this spelling of Geoff.
  • You had me ’til Hello.
By Sarah Silverman from the back of my cup at Chipotle yesterday

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