Author: Dr Wingnut
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Plan to End Global Terrorism
Take all American women who are +/-5 years of menopause. Train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, prozac, hormones, SPAM, etc. Drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff…
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An Ode to America
Why are Americans so united? They don't resemble one another even if you paint them! They speak all the languages of the world and form an astonishing mixture of civilizations. Some of them are nearly extinct, others are incompatible with one another, and in matters of religious beliefs, not even God can count how many…
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Fairness to Dan Quayle
I have been guilty of telling a now-infamous story about a statement Dan Quayle supposedly made following a trip to Latin America, and it appears that this story was not true. However, it appears that many of his other flub quotes have been quite true. Consequently, for the record, the following appears to be the…
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Proper Grammatorical Habits:
Mr. Language Person takes a hammer to grammarWelcome to another episode of "Ask Mister Language Person," the column written by the language expert who recently won the World Wrestling Federation Grammar Smackdown when he kneed William Safire right in the gerunds.Our first language question comes from an extremely high federal official, who asks:Q. What are…
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ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION – FDA WARNINGS…
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are…
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BUZZWORDS for 2001…
BLAMESTORMING:Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.CUBE FARM:An office filled with cubicles.PRAIRIE DOGGING:When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.MOUSE POTATO:The on-line, wired generation's answer to the…
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Words of Inspiration:
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'GUESS' on it.…