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Christmas Tree Farmer Scatters Sack Of Candy Canes Before Ravenous Douglas Firs

GRANVILLE, OH—Calling “Sooey, sooey!” and rattling his burlap bag, local Christmas tree farmer Drew Allen scattered candy canes from a sack to a pen full of ravenous Douglas firs, sources confirmed Monday. “Come and get it now—we want you all to grow into big, strong 7-footers for Christmas,” said Allen, who reportedly reached out to pat his favorite tree on the trunk and then laid a candy cane flat on his palm for the conifer to eat from his hand. “That’s right, it’s feeding time. Come get your peppermint. Hey, easy, easy! Leave some for the littles ones, okay? Some of them look about half-starved. I need all of you to have bright and shiny needles before I cut you down and send you to the city.” At press time, reports confirmed the rapid approach of Christmas had led Allen to fatten up his scrawniest trees by filling their trough from a bucket of gingerbread and fruitcake slop.
The Onion 2020-12-15