Category: Humor

Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded ….All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.If all…

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.  The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with the guy over there by the wall?”The clerk responds, “Well, he came in this morning to get something for his cough.  I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I had him…

Well, it’s shit … that’s right, shit!  Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.Consider:You can get shit-faced, be shit-out-of-luck, or have shit for brains.With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.You can…

TemperatureWhat others doWhat New Englander’s do+60New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.People in New England plant gardens.+50Californians shiver uncontrollably.People in New England sunbathe.+40Italian cars won’t start.People in New England drive with the windows down.+32Distilled water freezes.Moosehead Lake’s water gets thicker.+20Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and wool hats.People in New England throw on a…

Thank you for calling the White House switchboard.  Our new voice-activated system will help direct you to the proper office.If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war in Iraq, press one.If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and the White House’s endorsement of torture, press two, and…

A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”The kid says “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota.”Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.  “You start tomorrow.  I’ll…

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.  The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.“That’s a serious step,” he said.  “Have you thought it out completely?”“Yes,” his young son answered.  “We can spend one week in my room and…