• Don't sweat the petty things and Don't pet the sweaty things.
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
• Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help
• section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
• If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
• If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no
• woman around to hear him….Is he still wrong?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide….is it considered a hostage situation?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
• What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
• Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
• Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
• Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
• Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I am in shape. Round's a shape!

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains; a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.