Dirty Jokes

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got this big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog. A passer-by who'd seen everything remarked:

"That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."

"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."

Advertising slogans for national condom week. (164 in total)

  1. Cover your stump before you hump
  2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
  3. Don't be silly, protect your Willie
  4. When in doubt shroud you spout
  5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
  6. You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
  7. If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
  8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
  9. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
  10. If you slip between her thighs, condomize
  11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
  12. If you go into heat, package your meat
  13. While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
  14. When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
  15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
  16. Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
  17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
  18. The right selection, is to protect your erection
  19. Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
  20. A crank with armor, will never harm her
  21. If you really love her, wear a cover
  22. Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
  23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
  24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
  25. No glove, no love
  26. If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
  27. Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
  28. No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
  29. Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
  30. Avoid a frown, contain your clown
  31. Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
  32. Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
  33. Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
  34. The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
  35. Cloak the joker before you poke her
  36. Encase that torch before you paint her porch
  37. Cape your throbber before you bob her
  38. After detection sheath your erection
  39. Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
  40. Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
  41. Cover that lumber before you pump her
  42. Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
  43. She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
  44. House your noodle then release your strudel
  45. Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
  46. Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
  47. Cage that snake then shake and bake
  48. Cover your peter it will be much neater
  49. Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
  50. It's always funky to cage your monkey
  51. It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
  52. It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
  53. It's not much money to catch your honey
  54. Don't be a fool cover your tool
  55. Hood that match then scratch that thatch
  56. Stitch that switch then itch her niche
  57. Wrap that tool to catch the drool
  58. It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
  59. Contain that sputum before you use him
  60. Restrain your log then plow her bog
  61. Glove your pecker before you check her
  62. Coat that slimmer before you prime her
  63. Condomize then womanize
  64. Cover old pete then grind her meat
  65. Guard your peter before you meet her
  66. Check your list before you tryst
  67. Wrap your bate before you mate
  68. Can your worm before you squirm
  69. Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
  70. Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
  71. Bag the mole then do her hole
  72. Cuff your carrot before you share it
  73. Jail your number then call the plumber
  74. Cover your vein then drive her insane
  75. Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
  76. Protect your dink then fluff her mink
  77. Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
  78. Hide ole harry then take her cherry
  79. Wrap that spout then bore her out
  80. Conceal your train don't cause her pain
  81. Guard your bridge then do her ridge
  82. Shroud your trout then make her shout
  83. To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
  84. Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
  85. Wrap your spout to catch the trout
  86. Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
  87. Cover your steamer before you ream her
  88. Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
  89. Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
  90. Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
  91. Clothe the boner before you hone her
  92. Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
  93. Cork your pump or you don't hump
  94. No unwrapped stags get between my legs
  95. Dress that erection to make a deflection
  96. Contain that shanker before you spank her
  97. Cap that seeder before you breed her
  98. Stop the stream before you cream
  99. Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
  100. Protect your screw to catch that glue
  101. Package your meat for a real neat treat
  102. Holster your gun then shootings more fun
  103. Canvas that trailer before you nail her
  104. Garage the tractor then attack her
  105. Net that grass hopper before you pop her
  106. Sock that wanger before you bang her
  107. Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
  108. Trim your hardwood then do her real good
  109. Garnish your oak then give her a poke
  110. Pouch your associate then go fornicate
  111. Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
  112. Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
  113. Catch that goat before it bloats
  114. Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
  115. Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
  116. Prune that stalk then make her squawk
  117. Wrap that rod then please her bod
  118. Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
  119. House that bottle then mash her throttle
  120. Sash that hash then thrash that gash
  121. Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
  122. Can your knob then throb her swab
  123. Contain old Doug then clean her rug
  124. Cover your limb before you swim
  125. Retain your bailer then impail her
  126. Rope your dope then make some soap
  127. Net your salamander then make salad in her
  128. Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
  129. Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
  130. Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
  131. Cover your stone before you bone
  132. House your hose then curl her toes
  133. Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
  134. Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
  135. Shield your rocks then pond her box
  136. Cover old sly then do her dry
  137. Wrap your rail then fill her pail
  138. Glove your chimney before you come in me
  139. If your nude tube your dude
  140. Cloak your hitter then go split her
  141. Wrap your nipper before you dip her
  142. Can your spam then bam that mam
  143. Corral your ram then slice her ham
  144. Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
  145. Twist your wick then stick that prick
  146. Cover old Bart then dart her tart
  147. Shed old spot then do her slot
  148. Drawer your pip then split her lips
  149. Contain that leach then mash her peach
  150. Bag your elm then take the helm
  151. Constrain your gem to catch the flem
  152. Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
  153. Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
  154. Survey your land then plant her stand
  155. Before you drive her protect that diver
  156. Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
  157. Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
  158. Cover you post then slice her roast
  159. Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
  160. Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
  161. Contain that viper before you pipe her
  162. Tub that sub then rub her hub
  163. Wrap Mr. Clean then introduce her spleen
  164. Dam your giver then fill her quiver