via email from Kirk Nelson, Sun, 28 Feb 2010 07:23:11 -0800
There was bad news for God this week as the well-known deity was forced to recall thousands of examples of His popular Human Being after reports that the model could be prone to unexpected attacks of unbelievable stupidity.
Initial reports of blithering idiocy emerged from the United States last year but these were thought to be isolated incidents caused by people who are so thick that if a floormat was touching their accelerator pedal would prefer to scream â€˜Aaaaaaarghâ€™ until they drove into a river rather than simply moving the mat backwards with their foot. However, it now seems the monumental stupidity is more widespread and may cause some Human Beings to decide that the best course of action in the event of being in a car with a throttle that wonâ€™t release is to telephone someone rather than to, for example, put the fucking car into neutral and bring it to a halt using the brakes as normal.
Jesus Christ, a member of the original God family who now runs his Fatherâ€™s business, is expected to make a full statement shortly. In the meantime, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a senior manager at Godâ€™s UK operation, has told reporters that there are almost certainly Human Beings here in Britain that will need to be examined for signs of being so sodding thick that they probably shouldnâ€™t have a driving licence in the first place. â€œItâ€™s too early to say how this might affect people in the UK,â€ Mr Canterbury is quoted as saying. â€œBut we have every reason to believe that there are some Human Beings that may being so brain fartingly stupid that if the throttle in their car became stuck, they would never think simply to depress the clutch and coast to a haltâ€.
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