Going South?

The language folks who brought us "Ebonics," have decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. Th e following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI
Noun.  Greeting.
HIRE YEW
Complete sentence.  Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD
Verb.  Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH
Noun.  The State north of Florida.  Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER
Noun.  The State west of Jawjuh.  Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS
Noun.  A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK
Verb.  Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE
Noun.  An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT
Adjective.  Not smart.  See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH
Noun.  A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL
Noun.  A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR
Noun.   A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR
Noun.  A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE
Noun.  A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD
Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT
Noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS
Noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN
Adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed….mus' be from some farn country."
DID
Adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR
Noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe….give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR
noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE
Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE
A contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah….haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."
SEED
Verb, past tense of "to see".
VIEW
Contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York, view?"