How to Give a Pill to a Cat

  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Get another pill. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push the pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of refrigerator. Call spouse from garden.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered vase from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who swerved into fence to avoid hitting cat. Get another pill.
  13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet mignon. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture store on way home to order new table.
  15. With the help of your spouse, your teenage son and the next door neighbor, wrap the cat completely in Duct Tape (use an entire roll) leaving only the cat's mouth exposed.  Hold the cat firmly in place, using thick leather work gloves.  Insert the last pill carefully into the barrel of a loaded handgun, of caliber sufficiently large to receive the pill.  Pry open cat's mouth with any large metal tool.  Insert handgun barrel all the way down the cat's throat.  Gently press the trigger to accomplish insertion of the pill.
  16. Carefully monitor the cat's medical condition.  While this technique has proven to be remarkably reliable in causing the cat to swallow the pill, a few cat owners have reported side-effects such as listlessness.  In some cases they have not been able to awaken their cats immediately after the procedure. Should you observe this condition, it is recommended that you place the listless cat in a shoe box and cover it with 2 feet of earth until the cat's full vigor returns.