How to please a woman…

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

Simple Duties:Making the bedYou make the bed+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets-1
The toilet seat You leave the toilet seat up-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom-2
ErrandsYou go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings+5
In the snow+8
But return with beer-5
Return with beer, and no liners-25
Noise in the nightYou check out a suspicious noise at night0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something+5
You pummel it with a six iron+10
It's her cat-40
Social Engagements:PartyYou stay by her side the entire party0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy-2
named Tiffany-4
Tiffany is a dancer-6
With breast implants-18
Her Birthdayyou take her out to dinner0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar+1
Okay, it is a sports bar-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night-3
it's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted colors of your favorite team-10
A night outwith the boysGo with a pal-5
The pal is happily married-4
Or frighteningly single-7
And he drives a Mustang-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)-15
with HerYou take her to a movie+2
You take her to a movie she likes+4
You take her to a movie you hate+6
You take her to a movie you like-2
It's called Death Cop 3-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans-15
Communication:She asks, "Do I look fat?"You hesitate in responding-10
You reply, "Where?"-35
Any other response-20
When she wants to talk about a problemYou listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression0
You listen, for over 30 minutes+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep-200
Your Physique:You develop a noticeable potbelly-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too"-800
via eMail, Tue, 12 Dec 2000 22:19:34 EST