A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"

God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're shorthanded, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

via eMail, Wed, 21 Nov 2001 12:03:22 -0500


New Words to an old Dylan Song:

How many roads must a man drive down
Before he admits he is lost
Why when a man becomes married is he
unable to find his own socks.

How many times will it take 'til he knows
he has seen the three stooges enough

The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend
The answer, I cannot comprehend

How many shows can a man surf through
before the remote burns out
Why does he think that an intimate gift
is a Dustbuster Plus for the house

How many sounds can a man's body make
before he sleeps on the couch

The answer my friend, is take two aspirin
The answer is take two aspirin

Why when we go for a romantic drive
do we wind up at Builder's Square again
How many nights will he leave the seat up
so I land on cold porcelain

How men really feel is mystery to me
and probably a mystery to them

The answer girlfriend is driving me to gin
The answer is driving me to gin.

One Liners

  • The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
  • Did you know Rabbis get $50 for circumcisions?
    …….Plus tips, of course.
via eMail, Fri, 11 Feb 2000 20:15:18 -0600


Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk.

Son: What's up, Dad?

Dad: There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

Son: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car," that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.

Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

Son: Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

Son: No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

Son: No. No, that is not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car … the mailbox did… I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot?

Son: From the President of the United States.

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control.

The first woman says, "We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says, "I am too, but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says, "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?" the others ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven . . . and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get as big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."

Why fishin' is better than makin' love

  • When you go fishin' and you catch somethin,' that's good. If you're making love and you catch somethin,' that's bad.
  • Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither. And don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
  • In fishin' you lie about the one that got away. In lovin' you lie about the one you caught.
  • You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie, and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
  • You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
  • You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
  • Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishin.'

Winners of a New York Magazine contest were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.

Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should (would) never know.
Seize the meat.
I think; therefore I (am a) waffle.
I think, therefore I Yam.
Lost in the mail.
Our cat has a boat.
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
Fast French food. (including, of course, French Fries)
He deserved it.
We're wild and crazy guys!
The king is dead. No kidding.
Tons of luck
I am three years old.
Death styles of the rich and famous.
Support your local clown (or politician, your call)
Life is feudal.
A fast retort. (Fast retort.)
Honk if you're Scottish.
The cat is dead.
I came, I saw, I stuck around.
I came, I saw, I partied.
I came, I saw, I shopped.
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
Don't leave your chateau without it.
Clearasil doesn't quite cover it up.

"I have uncovered the conspiracy!" shouted George.

Every cubicle in the office had a head pop up, in prairie dog fashion. Larry's cube was the closest to George's. "What on earth are you talking about?" he asked.

"I have discovered Microsoft's plans for world domination! It's all right here in this Windows 98 install disk!"

Larry walked around to George's desk. The rest of the employees went back to work. They were getting used to George's convulsive revelations, and they knew that each was more half-baked than the previous one. Larry was a new hire, therefore through ignorance he pursued the matter. "I just installed Windows 98 on my machine at home. I didn't see anything about world domination."

George looked up at him with his half-crazed eyes. "That's because you didn't run the CD backwards."

"How's that?"

George pointed to his CD-ROM reader. "Notice this little switch. I push it, and the CD runs backwards."

"But wasn't it meant to be run forwards? Does it even work backwards?"

"Just watch." George put a Win 98 install disk in. He pushed the little button, then ran the install program from Explorer. The Windows splash screen came up just like normal, but a different program began running. It then stopped with a message that said "Error reading from disk."

"That threw me off at first," said George. "Then I figured out that the program was encrypted. Watch this." He fired up a little handmade decryption program that analyzed the disk's contents, then wrote a decrypted version to memory. The program restarted. The words "Revolution 98" appeared in white writing on a black background. As the program continued running, a window opened in the middle of the screen.

"Turn me on, dead man. Turn me on, dead man. Turn me on, dead man," was repeated over and over. Larry thought of a childhood friend who had once spun a Beatles song backwards on a turntable to create the same words.

A line chart appeared, showing Microsoft's stock going through the roof, followed by representations of Apple, Red Hat, and IBM, each of which was dropping rapidly.

What followed next was a series of pictures and text that described how Microsoft would one day corner the market on O/S's, office suites, money managing software, and games. That was followed by more pictures of Microsoft grocery stores, Microsoft restaurants, Microsoft airlines, and even Microsoft armies marching off to war.

"There. Now do you believe me?" asked George, still looking a little crazed.

Larry calmly pushed a button on his Palm Pilot that he had hidden in his pocket. A ray of some sort shot out of George's monitor, hitting him in the face. George moaned just a bit, than the ray stopped.

"What were you saying, George?" asked Larry.

"Er . . . I don't remember.".

"Your CD reader looks defective, George. Let me have it and I'll get you a replacement from maintenance."

George's crazed look was gone, replaced with a blank stare. "Okay" he answered in a flat monotone.

Larry shut George's computer down, ripped the reader out and headed back to his cubicle. As the reader disintegrated from the blast of another ray that came from Larry's monitor, he typed a message on his Palm Pilot.

"Urgent to BG. Secret leaked out. Fire has been extinguished. Recommend 256 bit encryption on next generation Revolution 98 beta. Beam me back to Redmond. Agent 86."

Larry's form began twinkling into some sort of energy display, then he was gone.

Green Bay Packers vs. Vikings

A Green Bay Packer fan in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a joke about Minnesota Viking fans?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke you Should know something. I'm 6' tall and 220 pounds and I'm a Viking fan. The Guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 240 pounds and he's a Viking fan, and the guy sitting next to him is 6'5," 280 pounds and he's a Viking fan too. Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The Packer fan says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

via eMail, Wed, 5 Jan 2000 18:52:29 -0600