Martha Stewart's December Calendar

  1. Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey.  Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
  2. Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
  3. Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine tails.  Flog Gardener.
  4. Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
  5. Get new eyeglasses.  Grind lenses myself.
  6. Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
  7. Debug Windows 95.
  8. Lay Faberge egg.
  9. Take dog apart.  Disinfect, Reassemble.
  10. Collect dentures.  They make excellent pastry cutters, particular for decorative pie crusts.
  11. Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
  12. Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at the mall.
  13. Child proof Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
  14. Adjust legs of chairs so that each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
  15. Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
  16. Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and cinnamon sticks.
  17. Float votive candles in toilet tank.
  18. Seed clouds for white Christmas.
  19. Do my annual good deed.  Go to several stores.  Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
  20. Bear son.  Swaddle.  Lay in colour coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
  21. Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
  22. Build snowman to exact likeness of God.
  23. New Years Eve!  Give staff their resolutions.  Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.