More Pork, the other white meat

Dear Sir:

My friend in Ute, Iowa received a check for $1000 from the government for not raising 50 hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all the Government policies. I would very much prefer not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how may hogs I haven't raised. My friend is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best year he ever made on them was $422 in '71, and this is until this year when he received your check for $1000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will bring in about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford that airplane I've been wanting. Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat about 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn. Will I qualify for payments for not raising any corn to feed the 4000 hogs I an not going to raise? Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any information your department has on this program too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and will qualify for unemployment compensation and food stamps. Be most assured that you and the President will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically yours,

Just Waiting In Iowa