- “Don’t let your worries get the best of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.”
- Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited – until you try to sit in their pews.
- Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
- It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
- The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes and sand gnats come close.
- When you get to your wit’s end, you’ll find God lives there…
- People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
- Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
- Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn’t belong.
- God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
- Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
- Peace starts with a smile.
- A lot of church members who are singing “Standing on the Promises” are just sitting on the premises.
- We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
- Be ye fishers of men. You catch them – He’ll clean them.
- Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
- Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.
- Don’t wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
- Forbidden fruits create many jams.
- God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called…
- God grades on the cross, not the curve.
- God loves everyone, but probably prefers “fruits of the spirit” over “religious nuts!”
- God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
- He who angers you, controls you!
- If God is your Co-pilot – swap seats!
- Prayer: Don’t give God instructions — just report for duty!
- The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
- The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
- We don’t change the message, the message changes us.
- You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to … discourage him.
- The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
- “Dear Father: Bless the person reading this in whatever it is that You know they need.”
One liners…
- Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
- Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.
- Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
- How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
- How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
- How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
- What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam."
- What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
- What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
- What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
- What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
- What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
- What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
- What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
- What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
- What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist
- What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
- What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
- What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. And what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.
- What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
- What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
- What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roastbeef.
- Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.
- Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
- Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
- Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
- Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.