I came across this little stack of pages from a desk calendar "365 days of Political Correctness" that I was given in 1997. They were too good to just throw away, especially with the alternative spellings, so here they are:
Saturday, 18 October, 1997
In 1993, the Iowa City School District Equity—Affirmative Action Advisory Committee began sending out letters to parents suggesting that their children’s costumes "avoid un-pleasant and hurtful situations." Inappropriate costumes include witches, hobos, Gypsies, Africans, American Indians and elderly persuns.
Tuesday, 21 October, 1997
At this time of year, resist the temptation to join in the slaughter of innocent pumpkins for the decoration of homes and schools. Remember native North American pumpkins have only two natural enemies: mold and man.
Friday, 7 November, 1997
A letter from Zero Population Growth warns, "Already, our country is adding the population equivalent of four Washington, D.C.s every year, another New Jersey every three years, another California every twelve. Those are staggering figures—with far-reaching implications." After all, just one more of any of those places is more than enough.
Saturday, 15 November, 1997
Aromatherapy is a soothing, all-natural way to ease the stresses of daily living. Just keep a small vial of essences handy and sniff when needed. Try tea-tree oil to soothe nerves, vanilla extract to restore confidence and centeredness, and ammonia salts to jolt your lazy ass off the couch.
Monday, 17 November, 1997
Kudos to the shampoo manufacturers who are finally informing consumers that their products are not tested on lab rats. Now we can lay to rest those images of our rodent friends being permed against their will.
Wednesday, 19 November, 1997
When you get your chart read, be sure to have it done by a certified union astrologist, not one of the growing number of freelance astrologists. You’d be shocked to hear the horror stories of what many of these uncertified practitioners have done to people’s moons.
Friday, 21 November, 1997
There are men trapped in womyn’s bodies, and womyn trapped in men’s bodies, with surgery and therapy that can correct nature’s mishaps. However, no one is quite sure yet what to do when the men trapped in womyn’s bodies are gay and their female counterparts are lesbian.
Sunday, 23 November, 1997
Are your friends tired of the same old traditional pumpkin pie? Try baking the pie with plenty of chilies and hot sauce, and you can help spread the multicultural popularity of Meso-american cooking.
Tuesday, 25 November, 1997
To celebrate National Game and Puzzle Week, here’s a cryptogram dedicated to all the world’s people: "Q UISL HLX BDLSCIS FKLCSA KI, FDVQQB UISL XQF."
Tuesday, 2 December, 1997
On this date in 1974, an unspeakably horrible thing happened. And you will be shocked to learn you were the victim! The memory is simply repressed. Any therapist worth his or her license (or even one without a license) can help you dig up this painful memory.
Friday, 12 December, 1997
"On the black shore beneath the red skies, the child sat. The day that will be the day rides on stone ships, and closed will be the earthen jars that fill the skies." What does it main? Isn’t it obvious? It’s Nostradamus’s 494th birthday!