Puns are 2/3 P U

A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: … 'Many hands make light work.'"

A butcher fell in love with a sea gull in a pet shop. Alas, he had no money to spend, but the shop owner agreed to give him the bird in exchange for some of his delicious German sausage. The deal was made. It seems… he took a tern for the wurst!

There are some happy sciences (pathology, toxicology), but others are not so happy. A case in point concerns embryologists who tend to be a morose and saddened group. No wonder. One of the first things they learn is that … our lives are ova before they've begun.

Two old tomcats were bragging about their brave exploits. "Nice looking scars you've got their on your neck!" said one. "Thanks," said the other, … "I made them from scratch."

God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth." Angel: "What are you going to do now?" God: … "Call it a day."

A cow suddenly stopped giving milk. Her udder failure could have been attributed to her sorry love life. She got a bum steer. Depressed she curdled up with a Duke Ellington CD, and a bottle of plum wine, and she … mooed indigo.

Back in the sixties there was a restroom in Seattle with the most literate graffiti in town. One of my favorites is, "I am, therefore I think. Which is, of course, … putting Descartes before the horse!"

An Irishman proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn't real, she protested vehemently about his cheapness. "It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day" he smiled. "I gave you … a sham rock."

I was shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me. As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her, "Paper or plastic?" "It doesn't matter" she replied, … "I'm bisackual."

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. … It was the asphalt."

As Quasimodo was taking off for the Bell Ringers' Olympics, he tried to cram the great bell of Notre Dame into the overhead compartment.  "I'm sorry," said the flight attendant, … "That's only for carillon luggage."

An ace British aviator was knighted by Queen Elizabeth. Afterwards, every time he flew over Buckingham Palace he would dip his wings in salute. The Queen was asked, "Who is that?" She replied, … "That's the fly-by knight!"

Webster's dictionary editors met to decide how to abridge the new edition. "We are listing too many old words that no one uses any more, they've gotta go," Said the chief editor. "It's time we faced the fact that … we can't have archaic and edit too."

The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino and asked to have her husband paged. "Sorry, Madam," came the reply, … "The house does not make doctor calls"