Herewith, a handy guide for decoding the real meaning behind the phrases commonly used in personal ads
Translations for ads by men:
- 40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
- Athletic: Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
- Average-looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose & back
- Educated: Will always treat you like an idiot
- Free Spirit: Sleeps with your sister
- Friendship first: As long as friendship involves nudity
- Fun: Good with a remote and a six-pack
- Good-looking: Arrogant
- Honest: Pathological Liar
- Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than a bear
- Likes to cuddle: Insecure, overly dependent
- Mature: Until you get to know him
- Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
- Physically fit: Spends a lot of time in front of mirror admiring himself
- Poet: Has written on a bathroom stall
- Spiritual: Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
- Stable: Occasional stalker, but never arrested
- Thoughtful: Says "please" when demanding a beer
Translations for ads by women:
- 40-ish: 48
- Adventurer: Has had more partners than you ever will
- Athletic: Flat-chested
- Average-looking: Ugly
- Beautiful: Pathological liar
- Contagious Smile: Bring your penicillin
- Educated: College dropout
- Emotionally secure: Medicated
- Free spirit: Substance user
- Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as slut
- Fun: Annoying
- Gentle: Comatose
- Good Listener: Borderline autistic
- New-Age: All body hair, all the time
- Old-fashioned: Lights out, missionary position only
- Open-minded: Desperate
- Outgoing: Loud
- Passionate: Loud
- Poet: Depressive schizophrenic
- Redhead: Shops the Clairol section
- Romantic: Looks better by candlelight
- Wants Soul Mate: One step away from stalking