The following piece appeared in The Onion issue 4108, 23 February 2005. This publication, which has been appearing in local Twin Cities establishments lately used to be available only online. Thanks Onion for brightening our days. Whenever I say the following headline to my 16-year-old, he still cracks up. Especially since this week, they ran a picture of Bush followed by a team of ducklings with the headline, “Bush Followed Everywhere By Line Of Baby Ducks”:
Bush Determined To Find Warehouse Where Ark Of Covenant Is Stored
WASHINGTON, DC — In a surprise press conference Monday, President Bush said he will not rest until the warehouse where the Ark of the Covenant, the vessel holding the original Ten Commandments, is located. “Nazis stole the Ark in 1936, but it was recovered by a single patriot, who braved gunfire, rolling boulders, and venomous snakes,” Bush said, addressing the White House press corps. “Sadly, due to bureaucratic rigmarole, this powerful, historic relic was misplaced in a warehouse. Mark my words: We will find that warehouse.” Bush added that, after they are strengthened by the power of the Ark, U.S. forces will seek out and destroy the sinister Temple of Doom.