Rejected Hallmark Greetings

So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day…
Look at the bright side,
she’s a really good lay.

My tire was thumping….
I thought it was flat… when I looked at the tire….
I noticed your cat… Sorry

You had your bladder removed
and you’re on the mends … here’s a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You’ve announced that you’re gay,
won’t that be a laugh,
when they find out you’re one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
‘Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you…
How upset you must be…
But don’t fret about it….
She moved in with me

Your computer is dead …
it was once so alive….
Do you regret installing
Win 95?

You totaled your car …
and can’t remember why …
could it have been …
that case of Bud Dry?