He said, "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.  I said, "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said, "Yes, this is my livelihood."

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said, "Parking Fine." So that was nice.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said, "I want to buy an ice-cream". He said, "Hundreds & thousands?" I said, "We'll start with one." He said, "Knickerbocker glory?" I said, "I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes."

I went to Millets and said, "I want to buy a tent." He said, "To camp?".  I said , "Sorry, I want to buy a tent." I said, "I also want to buy a caravan." He said, "Camper?" I said , "Make your mind up."

So I went to the dentist.  He said, "Say Aaah." I said, "Why?" He said, "My dog's died."

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.  I thought, "This is unusual".  And the dentist said to me, "Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

So I got home, and the phone was ringing.  I picked it up, and said, "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said, "You are."

So I rang up my local swimming baths.  I said, "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said, "It depends where you're calling from."

So I rang up a local building firm, I said, "I want a skip outside my house." He said, "I'm not stopping you."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.  And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It's either my mum or my dad.  Or my older brother Colin.  Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.  But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, "You've been promoted." And I swerved.  And then he rang up a second time and said, "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said, "You're managing director." And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said, "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road."