Signs of Induhvidualism

Here are some Induhvidual sign sightings sent in by observant DNRC members.

  • Sign in front of a motel in Carson City, NV: STOP! WE BEAT EVERYBODY!
  • On an auto dealership's marquee in Southern California, home of the Angels baseball team:
    "Go Angles!"
    (Or maybe they support geometry.)
  • On the sign for a U-Haul truck rental center in Brooklyn, two lines of text:
  • Sign over the office drinking fountain:
  • "Do not pour anything into the fountain. It blocks the water filter and reduces the water pressure."
  • It was on the Engineering floor and-God help us-we make helicopters.
  • When I was out in L.A. last year there was a furor on the local radio station regarding a problem with the lighted neon sign at a nearby Black Angus restaurant. Apparently the "g" had burned out.

Quotes From Induhviduals

These true quotes were submitted by vigilant DNRC members.

  • "You buttered your bread, now lie in it!"
  • "Hearing something like that really raises the shackles on my neck."
  • "The design team will do everything necessary to exacerbate the situation."
  • "This guy is trying to pull the wool over the donkey's ass, and that is not where the wool goes."
  • "We've got to dig our way out of this puppy."
  • "Well, color me a moron!"
  • "Works like a baby."
  • "I found that the faster we worked, the more our productivity increased."
  • "I think we're on the same page here, just different parts of the page."
  • "Don't buy antique furniture – it never lasts."
  • "That guy's the sharpest grape on the bunch!"
  • "He talks like a man with a paper ass."
  • "They should be beaten at the stake."
  • I said to her, "You're crazy." She replied, "Yeah, crazy like a rock!"
  • "I'm so angry I could eat a horse."
  • "You've made your bed, now you have to eat it too!"
  • She said she would "go over it tooth and nail" looking for mistakes.

Induhvidual Tales

  • A manager was viewing the weekly statistical report for several ongoing projects. She determined the report was in error because the numbers changed from week to week. Total costs and revenue seemed to be going up over time.
  • Recently a co-worker told another co-worker, "Man, you are a few sandwiches short of a picnic." She replied, "WHAT?!?! Are you saying I'm FAT?!"
  • After the wedding reception, my husband and I headed for the hotel, still clad in our wedding clothes. Coincidentally, the desk clerk was an old friend from high school who looked at me in my Victorian wedding gown and veil, accompanied by a man in a tuxedo, and asked, "So, what have you been up to?"
  • At coffee time on the construction site one Monday morning, another worker asked me what I did on the weekend. I told him that my union, The International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers, helped sponsor the MS Society. We had a booth at the mall selling raffle tickets as a fundraiser. He asked me what MS is. I explained it stands for multiple sclerosis. He sat there with a confused look on his face for a few seconds, and then said, "Is that true? Are there really people with more than one scrotum?"
  • At the office holiday luncheon, our group of about 50 people played a variety of games. At one point, four people tied for first place. The Induhviduals in charge needed to come up with a tiebreaker. "OK," one said, "Everyone think of a number. Whoever gets closest to 75 will win." Always the clown, I shouted, "Seventy-four! D'oh!"
  • At the phone company where I work, a customer called in one day to correct his listing because he noticed it was misspelled in the phone book. It was corrected for him. The next day he called and complained because when he woke up, he looked in the same phone book and it wasn't yet corrected.[Editor's note: Yeah, I don't believe it happened either. But wouldn'tit be funny if it did?]
  • I am the director of business development. Our president has the habit of walking throughout our facility periodically peeking into our offices. One day he came in to my office very excited and exclaimed, "I have a plan. We're going to double our business revenues in two years!" I replied, "That's great, what's the plan?" He looked at me with a combination of sadness and confusion, then turned and walked away muttering, "You just don't get it."
  • I'm in a class called Advanced Physical Science, the highest level of science for freshmen at my school. After we finished discussing gravity, one of my fellow geniuses asked, "Is the reason the world is round because people are pulling on the world from all sides, because we all have a gravitational pull?"
  • Last March I was (un)fortunate enough to spend two weeks on a U.S. Navy ship involved in a NATO exercise in the Baltic Sea. We were scheduled to put into a port in Gdansk at the end of the exercise. One day, while I was in the ship's gym, a young seaman, who was riding a stationary bike and writing a letter, paused and asked me, "Is Poland one word or two?"
  • My wife, wishing to convey her appreciation for exceptional service by one of her employees, said, "Employees like you are a dime a dozen."
  • When I arrived at my new company, my new boss said that it had been touch-and-go whether the company was going to confirm my appointment. He showed me the glowing reference my old boss had given. It was great, apart from one of the opening lines where he misspelled conscientious as "contentious." Oh, how I laughed (not).
  • Our company Intranet lists all employees and their titles. The field size for titles is limited, so some had to be abbreviated. An Assistant Manager wasn't amused when I asked him what an Ass Manager was responsible for.
  • Sadly, I must inform on my wife. While discussing the U.S. Postal Service and how they operate constantly in the red, she claimed it must be due to bad management because those little stamps are 37 cents for just a piece of paper – and that's almost 100% profit right there.
  • The water department has destroyed the street where I live to install new water mains. Last week, a worker was going door-to-door telling us that our water service could be interrupted. One of my neighbors made this inquiry: "I see. Do you think that will be the hot water or the cold water?"
  • Early this morning a devastating fire burned down the personal library of President George W. Bush. Tragically, both books were lost in the conflagration. More poignantly, due to his hectic schedule, the President had not found time to color in the second one.
From an eMail recieved 2 February 2003