Ski Season Warm-Up

  • Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour.  Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
  • Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles.  Pretend you are looking for your car.
  • Wear apre's ski boots everywhere-even in the shower. For the best effect, get the boots that look like two dead Afghan hounds strapped to your calves.
  • For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in each of your street shoes and tighten a C-clamps around your toes.
  • Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
  • Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger.  Be sure to wait in the longest line.
  • Speaking of lines, stand in any movie line on the coldest day of the year.  Inch ahead with the crowd but don't go in. Do this 12 to 18 times.
  • Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
  • Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
  • Stop at any gas station that serves food. When the waitress asks what you'd like, order an upset stomach, because that's probably what you'll get anyway.
  • Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face.  You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
  • Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
  • Sit under a sun lamp wearing goggles to get that chic raccoon look.
  • To simulate losing a ski in deep powder, spend a lot of money to fly to a Caribbean resort.  When you arrive toss a Krugerrand onto the beach.  Then try to find it.
  • To simulate glade skiing, take a jog through the woods – with your eyes closed.

Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.