TIPS FROM EMPLOYEES TO THEIR MANAGERS

  • Never give me work in the morning.  Always wait until 4pm and then bring it in to me.  The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
  • If its a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how I am doing.  That helps.  Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
  • Always leave without telling anyone where you are going.  It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
  • If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me.  I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.
  • If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority.  I am psychic.
  • Do your best to keep me late.  I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.  I have no life beyond work.
  • If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.  If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
  • If you don't like my work, tell everyone.  I like my name to be popular in conversations.  I was born to be whipped.
  • If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.  No use confusing me with useful information.
  • Never introduce me to people you are with.  I have no right to know anything.  In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.  When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
  • Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
  • Tell me all your little problems.  No one else has any, and its nice to know someone is less fortunate.  I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
  • Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal SHOULD have been.  Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase.  I'm not here for the money anyway.