Windows 98 last minute features

After carefully evaluating the government's suit against them, Microsoft decided to release Windows 98 anyway, after adding these 11th-hour tweaks:

  1. Included subliminal "Impeach Janet Reno" messages in start-up screen.
  2. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in ".gov," a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly.
  3. Source code no longer ones and zeros—try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, "Here's to my sweet Satan."
  4. Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance carrier to AT&T.
  5. New desktop icon—click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund.
  6. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: "Letter to the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products."
  7. Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, "Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me."
  8. TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings.
  9. Desktop display with countdown tracking number of copies of Windows 98 that must yet be bought to prevent worldwide economic collapse!
  10. Last-minute name change: was "Windows 98," now "Windows: Assimilate."