It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.Sam Levenson
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.Publius Syrus
Nine-tenths of wisdom is being wise in time.Theodore Roosevelt
Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers.Alfred Lord Tennyson
It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.James Thurber
Especially when you arrive at work and have a dead drive array that contains your Oracle database. More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.Confucius
- The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
- Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
- Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
- A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
- It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
- Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
- The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
- Incontrovertible law: You can't fall off the floor.
- The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
- Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
- Law of Dispersal Probability: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
- "I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
- "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."Former First Lady Barbara Bush
- "Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"Patricia Arquette
- "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."Sharon Stone
- "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."Tiger Woods
- (On going to war over religion) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."Yasir Arafat (PLO leader)
- (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."Bruce Willis
- "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."George Burns
- "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'"Jason Alexander (Seinfeld's George Costanza)
- "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner – 1996)
- "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
- "My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she's reading."Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
- "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee – the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."Dan Rather (News anchorman)
- "I saw a large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"Arnold Schwarzenegger
- "Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over."Frank Zappa (on religion)
- "Facts are stupid things."Ronald Reagan (in an address to the RNC-1988)
- "If you can't get those ugly ol' skeletons out of your closet at least teach 'em to dance funny."Rev. Billy C. Wirtz