- The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.
- Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
- I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.
- I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'GUESS' on it. I said,"Thyroid problem?"
- When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
- I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."
- Sign In Oriental Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea…"
- Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
- I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.
- There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
- Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
- Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys
- After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
- If I'm a nobody, and nobody is perfect, than I am perfect
- I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she's been giving me lately!
- Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
- Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?
- No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
- I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
- How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
- Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
- How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
- Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
- Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
- I mixed Rogaine with Viagra. Now I've got hair like Don King.
- I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved
- Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
- Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up. You don't know where it's been.