Yo, yankees, listen-up

All us Southerners already know this. This is a fair warning to all Yankees (northerners who visit the South) or Damn Yankees (northerners who come south and stay).

  1. Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.
  2. Don't laugh at folk's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, MariBeth and Inez have been known to whip a man's ass for less than that.
  3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda, this can lead to a beating. Down here it's called Co Cola (or just Coke), even if you want a Pepsi.
  4. Southern women don't fancy smart mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have brothers and daddies.
  5. Don't show allegiances to any other school in football other than an SEC team. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who play Wyoming every week.
  6. Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are more literate than you (See: Welty, Williams, Faulkner, et al), better educated and a whole lot nicer to boot. We've got plenty of common sense, too. (See: MTV, Netscape, Turner Broadcasting, WorldCom, etc) Not that we can't act foolishly (See: Clinton, Fordice, et al). But that's none of your business. We don't care if you think we're dumb (see: Andy Griffith). we know better.
  7. Yes, we know the humidity is high, just quit bitching, spend your money and go home.
  8. No, the state symbol of Louisiana is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction is pissing us off too. (It's Tennessee, anyway)
  9. Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this everyone will know you're from Ohio. Just eat the biscuits like God intended.
  10. Don't try to talk with a southern accent if you don't have one. Nothing makes us madder than a Southern wannabe. ( see: Dan Ackroyd, "Driving Miss Daisy" )
  11. Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. If you don't like it here, take your ass back home!
  12. We don't play lacrosse, hockey or any of those other sissy-ass northern games, so don't be asking about those scores, cause we just don't care.
  13. Most of us know how to speak proper English. We talk like we often do because we want to. It's kinda like playing Jazz, you have to know how to do it right first.
  14. By ALL means, do not try to tell us how to Bar B Que. This could cost you your work visa. You're damn lucky we're letting you stay down here anyway, don't push your luck.
via eMail, Fri, 28 Jan 2000 18:45:46 -0600