- Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
- You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk. You enjoy sucking cock.
- Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 19)
- You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting what you mistake as power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
- Aries (Mar 20 – Apr 18)
- You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and scornful of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come into contact with. You are a prick!
- Taurus (Apr 19 – May 19)
- You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and stick-to-it-ivness because you never do anything right the first time. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a fucking asshole.
- Gemini (May 20 – Jun 20)
- You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini’s are notorious for thriving on Incest.
- Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 21)
- You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems, which makes you a sucker. You always keep putting things off. This is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.
- Leo (Jul 22 – Aug 22)
- You consider yourself a born leader. Everyone thinks you are an idiot. Most Leo’s are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo’s are thieving mother-fuckers and enjoy masturbating more than sex.
- Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 21)
- You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your coworkers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgo’s make good bus drivers and pimps.
- Libra (Sep 21 – Oct 22)
- You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra’s die of venereal disease.
- Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
- The worst of the lot! You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio’s are murdered.
- Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 20)
- You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarius. You are indeed a worthless piece of shit.
- Capricorn (Dec 21 – Jan 20)
- You are conservative and are afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chicken-shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
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