Dr. Wingnut

Hi friend,

I just thought I'd let you know that I'm getting along O.K. these days what with all the help I am getting from my various enrichment seminars and the higher plane mental affirmations that I have learned to implement.

But I was having an out-of-body experience yesterday and almost astral-traveled away, so I grounded myself and got centered with the help of my spirit guides and then the phone rang, and sensing the negative vibrations, I threw the I-Ching and checked my numerology chart, nearly having a primal, but my energy was too blocked.

So I did some bioenergetics and self-parenting, took some flower essences and ate an organic oat bran ginseng muffin, but my inner child wasn't feeling nurtured yet. To fix this, I had a Rice Dream Frozen Pie, which, of course, made me hyper, so I did the relaxation response technique I had just learned at the Self Healing Angst Tree Defoliating Center while listening to my subliminal tapes.

But that left me feeling depersonalized, so I did some polarity work, foot reflexology, and past life regression, then rebirthed myself, and called Moon Beam, my body worker, to make an appointment for a Shiatsu / Reiki/Rolfing /Feldenkreis / Swedish / Japanese deep tissue massage.

Unfortunately, she flaked out and never returned my call, so I decided to energize my crystals and do some positive imagery because all my visualization techniques and affirmations made my space feel invaded.

So to get empowered, I got a psychic reading from Mother Heart Love around the issue of my assertiveness so I could feel my radiance and have some energy for my psycho calisthenics and inversion swing before my harmonic brain wave synergy session.

This made me more focused for my actualization seminar, holistic healing class and dream workshop, which in turn made me clearer for my Gestalt behavioral cognitive transpersonal Rechian-Jungian-Freudian-Ericksonian session at the hot springs, but my aura was too weak for my trance channeling group, so I fasted until noon to recharge my chakras.

At that point, I sensed my intuition was high and my cycle was focused, so I turned on my ion generator to open up for my Neural Linguistic Programming session.

But I needed to have my pyramid recharged before my guided synchronicity meditation, so I got some craniosacral therapy, which aligned me for the fire walk between my tarot card reading and my sensory deprivation tank appointment.

But even after all that, I felt what I truly needed was a meaningful relationship to mirror myself, so I went to my personal shaman, and then to my guru, but they were no help, so instead I went to the Intensive Whole Life Earth Rebirth Cosmic Expo Symposium Workshop to find someone who really knew what was going on. That didn't help either, so I locked myself in a calcium coated Orgone Box and meditated until 9 PM.

None of it really worked for me, so I rolled me a big fat doobie, got baked and drank a six pack — and dude . . . did I feel right with the world!

Hundreds of Major League Baseball players in our very own nation are living at, just below, or in most cases far above the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming strike situation. But you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a MLB player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help!

Although $700 a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a baseball player it could mean the difference between spending the strike golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage payment, two unemployment checks, or a month of medical insurance with COBRA, but to a baseball player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the strike on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?

Your MLB player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a striking MLB player. My preference is checked below:

[ ] Infielder [ ] Outfielder [ ] Starting Pitcher [ ] Ace Pitcher [ ]

Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team — $10 per minute) [ ] Alex Rodriguez (Higher cost: $60,000 per day).

Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the player for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with an Alex Rodriguez 2001 Income Statement and my very own Donald Fehr MLB Players Union pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat).

Your Name: _______________________

Telephone Number: ____________________

Account Number: _____________________ Exp. Date_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover

Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):

Account Number: _____________________ Exp. Date _______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover

Signature: _______________________

Mail completed form to MLB Players Union or call 1-900-SCREW-THE-FANS now to enroll by phone ($10 per minute).

Disclaimer: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Contributions are not tax-deductible.

You've probably heard of it already, but if you haven't the REJECTION LINE is taking the country by storm!

It's completely free. Simply give out any of the following numbers to get rid of an annoying person you might have just met, or to people who you simply don't want to talk to anymore!

And here they are:
———————
(310) 495-5522
(562) 223-5522
(626) 207-5522

What is time?

• Time is just one damn thing after another.Anonymous, heard on PBS/Nova
• Time is the longest distance between two places.Tennessee Williams

Why is there time?

• Time is nature’s way to keep everything from happening all at once.John Archibald Wheeler
• Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.Graffito

What time is it?

• A man with one clock knows what time it is.  A man with more than one clock is not sure.Chinese Proverb

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day

The next day the farmer drove up and said" Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.

Kenny: "Well then, just give me my money back."

Farmer: "Can't do that. I spent it already."

Kenny: " OK , then at least give me the donkey."

Farmer: " What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?"

Kenny: " I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer: " You can't raffle off a dead donkey."

Kenny: " Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?

Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $898."

Farmer: " Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won."

Farmer: "What did you do?"

Kenny: " I gave him his $2 back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the Chairman of Enron.