Month: August 2000

Buzz was all excited about his new rifle.  So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska.  The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot.  There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.The black bear says "You've got…

A few fries short of a happy meal.The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.Forgot to pay his brain bill.A…

A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk I have a work station…Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?Does fuzzy logic tickle?If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge…

A computer was something on TVFrom a science-fiction show of noteA window was something you hated to cleanAnd ram was the cousin of a goatMeg was the name of my girlfriendAnd gig was a job for the nightsNow they all mean different thingsAnd that really mega bytes.An application was for employmentA program was a TV…

These are actual instructions on actual labels!ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESSERTDo not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDINGProduct will be hot after heatingON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRONDo not Iron clothes on bodyON BOOT'S CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINEDo not drive car or operate machineryON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)Warning:…

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.  "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.  In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.  However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."A voice from the back of the room piped…

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."The man said, "No problem."With that, he reached into his…