Month: August 2000

A man and his wife are visiting Mexico and go to the local restaurant for dinner.  They can't seen to decide on what to have so they spend a lot of time looking over the menu.  While they are looking, they hear a trumpet fanfare, and out of the kitchen comes the cook with a…

Say this each day on your way to work…God, Grant me the serenityTo accept the things I cannot change;The courage to change the thingsI cannot accept;And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those peopleI had to kill today because they pissed me off.And also, Help me to be careful of the toesI step on…

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers.  Here are some of the submissions:As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in…

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."Or..Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell…

Demotivators

Before criticizing people, walk a mile in their shoes.  Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, man, they're gone.If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We…

Don't sweat the petty things and Don't pet the sweaty things.One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Helpsection was, she said if…