Actual Dear Abby excerpts

DEAR ABBY: I’ve been married for six years and have five kids.  No twins.  My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the morning too.  I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that is his hobby.

DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor

DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service.  He’s the chief petting officer.

DEAR ABBY: I’ve been going steady with this man for six years.  We see each other every night.  He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage.  Do you think he’s going out with me just for what he can get? -GERTIE-

DEAR GERTIE: I don’t know.  What’s he getting?

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible? -KAY-

DEAR KAY: Only if they don’t work.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much? -CURIOUS-

DEAR CURIOUS: No, it’s the last thing I want to do.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? -JAKE-

DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.

DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, “I’ve heard a lot about you.”? -RITA-

DEAR RITA: It depends on what you’ve heard.