If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names.
If you have short-term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
If you have Low Self-Esteem, just hang up. None of our representatives would talk to someone like you!
To have these items repeated, hang-up and call again. Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hot Line.
via email, Tue, 2 Nov 1999 11:22:24 -0500