Category: Humor

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over…

SYMPTOM:FAULT:ACTION:Beer unusually pale and tasteless.Glass empty.Get someone to buy you another beer.Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. You have fallen over backward.Have yourself lashed to bar. Mouth contains cigarette butts.You have fallen forward.See above.Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.Retire to restroom, practice in…

Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer then e-mails everyone about what it did.Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB and then slowly expands to 200MB.Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Deletes all old files.Ellen Degeneres virus: You can no longer insert disks into…

Don't sweat the petty things and Don't pet the sweaty things.One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Helpsection was, she said if…

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith.  Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths.  Give us a little clue."The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over…

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But, then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."The husband asks, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The…

A burglar broke into a house one night.  He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables as he walked through the dark, quiet house.When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin.…