Month: August 2000
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If a dog were your teacher
You would learn stuff like…When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.When it's in your best interest—practice obedience.Let others know when they've invaded your territory.Take naps and stretch before…
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HOUSE-HUNTING
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. Welcome to E-Z-Bree-Zee Mortgages. I'm Alan Greenspan. No, no relation, sorry to say. May I call you Bill and Hillary?Fine, First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bill it is."So you're planning to settle in Westchester County and want to buy the old Rye Brook place, 4-something acres, as I recall.…
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Martha Stewart's December Calendar
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog Gardener.Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.Fax…
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Hmmmm…
A quote during the infamous Watergate scandal from a familiar person… During the Nixon era:"Yes, the president should resign. He has lied to the American people, time and time again, and betrayed their trust. He is no longer an effective leader. Since he has admitted guilt, there is no reason to put the American people…
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Heard from kids at Sunday School:
The first book of the Bible is Guiness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and ball of fire by night.The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic Genitals.Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of…
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NEW VIRUS ALERT — Heads Up!
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms…
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Have you heard this?
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables as he walked through the dark, quiet house.When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin.…