Year: 2000

GENERAL DISCLAIMER FOR ANY WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS WHO HAPPEN UPON A COPY OF THIS:The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen.  Kissing should only be…

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years.  The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would…

Administrative MemoTo all Employees: The beatings will continue until morale improves.Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:Buying a stronger whip.Changing riders.Say things like, "This is the way we…

Include Your Children When Baking CookiesSomething Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert SaysPolice Begin Campaign To Run Down JaywalkersSafety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be BeltedDrunk Gets Nine Months In Violin CaseSurvivor Of Siamese Twins Joins ParentsIraqi Head Seeks ArmsProstitutes Appeal To PopePanda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes OverBritish Left Waffles On Falkland IslandsLung Cancer…

DEAR ABBY: I’ve been married for six years and have five kids.  No twins.  My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the morning too.  I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that is his hobby.DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a…

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced…

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they pissed me off.And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they…