250 (More) Ways to Annoy Your Roommate

Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before s/he goes to class.
Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, “It’s not funny anymore.”
Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to “wipe out,” and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to “rescue” you.
Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, “I was curious.”
Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don’t plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn’t know what it’s doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you’re going away to “find yourself.” Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you’re not a hard man/woman to find.
Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When s/he brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If s/he ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until s/he does so.
Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If s/he asks about it, say, “Oh, that damn hypnotist….”
Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, “How nice to see you again.”
Get a can of beans. Label them, “Jumping beans.” Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, “Dancing beans.” Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, “Kill Your Roommate beans.” Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, “It’s time to go to bed now.”
Insist that your roommate recite the “Pledge Of Allegiance” with you every morning.
Recite Dr. Seuss books all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them loudly and directly to your roommate. If s/he tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn’t obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until s/he pays the tickets.
Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, “Don’t worry, little buckaroo. You’ll be safe with me.”
Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to “fix” them.
Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, “Roommate Dying in a Car Crash,” and “Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel.” Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, “Who’s that?” every time your roommate enters the room. When you’re not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that “Grandma said ‘hi.'”
Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of “inert gases.” Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that s/he looked like “the enemy.”
Put headphones on your roommate while s/he is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, “Silly me,” open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.
Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If s/he refuses, insist that s/he do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, “Your momma isn’t here to take care of you any more.”
Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, “In a little while I’ll have enough for that sailboat.”
Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you’re trying to read something. Tell your roommate it’s a message from God, but you’re not sure whether it’s a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.
Whenever your roommate has company, walk over into the middle of the room and sit down cross-legged without saying a word. Be oblivious to their presence. Pull a long piece of string out of your pocket, leaving one end still in your pocket. Take the other end and place it in your mouth. Make loud chewing noises as you chew on the string. If anybody says anything give them a questioning look, grunt, and continue to chew while staring, unfocused, straight ahead.
Buy a copy of Helter Skelter or Silence of the Lambs or any equally gruesomely titled book. Sit in a room with your roommate and read the book (or pretend to) with a highlighter mumbling, “That looks good…” as you highlight passages in the book.
Every now and then start twitching violently and scream “Snakes, snakes!”
Subscribe to as many mailing lists and reply to as much junk mail as possible under your roommate’s name. Complain that you never get mail.
Wear your clothing backwards and walk around the room backwards.
Carry a pair of walkie-talkies with you at all times. Insist that s/he use one when ever s/he wants to talk to you.
Play hide and seek with yourself. If your roommate asks what you’re doing behind the couch, under the table, etc., look at them exasperatedly, come out of hiding and tell him/her that s/he gave away your hiding place. Refuse to talk to him/her for several hours.
Tie bedsheets together into a rope. Use it to get out of the dorm every morning.
Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.
Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, “Let me in.” Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.
Talk on the phone a lot. Don’t pick up the receiver.
Talk to your roommate but don’t let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.
Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night. If s/he agrees, ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.
Start a brothel.
Constantly slip and fall on your carpet.
Post a sign in your bathroom that reads: “If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down.” Check every time to make sure s/he follows it.
Invite the Dean to sleep over.
Invite the school President to sleep over.
Invite your roommate to sleep over.
Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.
Walk into walls.
Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, “I’m melting, I’m melting!”
When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, “I’m watching you.”
Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back and forth outside your window saying, “Speedy Delivery!” until s/he comes out.
Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you’ve turned into Gumby.
Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots taking over the world.
Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after it rots.
Wear a silly hat.
Tell him/her that you’re committing suicide, and let him/her find some dynamite under your bed.
Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.
Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night.
Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that you’re afraid of aliens.
Eat raw pasta for dinner.
Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that you intend to make a fireplace to save electricity.
Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself.
Arrange your pillows and blankets every night to make it look like you are asleep. Do this for three weeks. Buy a cantaloupe and a knife. Stick the knife in the cantaloupe. Lay it on the pillow where your head should be.
Spend hours in your room on personal hygiene. Spend at least an hour a day clipping your nails, another hour combing your hair, yet another hour washing your face and hands, etc.
Buy copies of Playgirl if you are male, or Playboy if you are female. Read the magazine very slowly. If your roommate comments, grin and say, “I bought it for the articles.”
Take a thirty-minute shower. Turn the water off. Go to the toilet for five minutes. Get back in the shower and take another thirty-minute shower. If your roommate comments, shake your head and mutter, “Damn diarrhea.”
Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.
Leave morbid outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.
When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after s/he gets home, walk out. If s/he comments, act as if you don’t know what s/he’s talking about.
Carve grotesque, morbid, and/or erotic pictures into your bedframe with a butcher knife.
Place porn mags, both soft- and hard-core, around the room. Buy ten or twenty jars of Vaseline. Stack them in a pile in a corner on the floor. Whenever your roommate is expecting company, smear your hands with Vaseline. When greeting them, shake hands vigorously for a minute.
Whenever you’re talking to your roommate, add extra words to your sentences (“Hey Dan, did you turn in your Calculus -lick- homework?”). When talking to other people around your roommate, add his/her name to your conversation (“Can you give me the -Dan- notes for Friday’s physics class?”). If your roommate comments, act as if you don’t know what s/he’s talking about.
Take up playing a musical instrument. Practice constantly in the room, but don’t play anything coherent. Play “Hot Cross Buns” or similar three-note songs twenty times until you get it perfect.
Take up cooking. Cook exotic foods from scratch without using any cookbooks or recipes.
Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no shirt. Dive into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that you were being held captive by ten Mesopotamian foot soldiers in full battle array.
Burn candles at night. Yell at your roommate if s/he turns on any light and claim that they’ll scare “your friends” away.
Invite your invisible friends over for a few weeks. Blame them when all his/her beer is gone. Be convincing.
Get a Brother P-Touch labeler. Label EVERYTHING!!!
Whenever your boyfriend/girlfriend sleeps over, leave wearing his/her clothes.
Hide all your roommate’s stuff and tell him/her that s/he never lived with you. Extra points if s/he checks with the housing director.
Give your roommate a plastic bag. Ask him/her to shit in it because your pet dung beetles are hungry.
Borrow your roommate’s clothes. Offer to wash them, then act like they were yours all along.
Replace his/her toothpaste with Fix-O-Dent.
If you live on the first floor, refuse to use the door. Climb in and out through the window. Claim doctor’s orders.
Hide under a pile of dirty clothes in the closet. Twitch a lot and mutter, “They can’t suck my brain if they can’t find me!”
Scratch your head a lot. Pretend to eat the lice you find. Offer one to your roommate.
Don’t shower for three weeks. Complain often about the stench. Demand that your roommate do his/her laundry.
Talk about your roommate to the little man who lives in your pocket.
Groom yourself like a cat.
Build a fort out of beer cans. Refuse to come out until you are granted audience with Zontar, High Lord of Saria 3.
Organize a black mass. Tell your roommate that the sacrifice backed out at the last minute and if s/he would volunteer.
Say everything in Pig Latin.
Save all of your nail clippings. Make sculptures out of them.
Refer to yourself in the royal third person.
Funnel Pepsi.
Spend all of your money on Alvin and the Chipmunks records. Play them constantly. Say that it’s an assignment for your “Popular Music in the Youth Subculture” class.
Save the wrappers to everything that you eat. Collect them in a ball and store it on your roommate’s bed.
Paint a mural depicting Napoleon’s defeat at Waterloo on your roommate’s mattress. Hand it in to your art teacher for a grade.
Refuse to wash your underwear. Say that you are trying to prove LaMarck’s theory of spontaneous generation.
Develop ESP. Answer all of your roommate’s questions before s/he asks them.
Make your bed 15 times a day. Sleep on the floor.
Save your used tissues. Have snowball fights.
Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.
Throw out your bed. Move in with your roommate.
Wear all of your clothes backwards.
Buy a snake. Give it free reign of the room.
Name your books. Call them like dogs when it’s time to study.
Cut the faces out of all your pictures.
Hang all of your posters up facing the wall.
Pick up the phone every two minutes. Then slam it down and say, “Damn, missed them again!” Continue for two weeks.
Dance around the room with underwear on your head while listening to old Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass records. If your roommate questions you, throw a pair on his/her head and TANGO!!!
Wear khakis and riding boots around the room. Goosestep often.
Steal all of your roommate’s pens. Make a tower out of them. Bite him/her if s/he tries to get them back.
Develop Multiple Personality Disorder. Use your other selves to act out Shakespearean tragedies.
Open the window. After 30 minutes, complain about the cold and open it wider.
Two words: Nudist colony.
Listen to Morrisey. Be happy before, during, and after you listen.
Tattoo your roommate’s name on your butt. Insist that s/he do the same for you.
Get a loft. Sleep hanging upside down from it like a bat.
Play Dungeons and Dragons a lot. (A lot means that you should own a sword, and at some time during the year you should dress up as your character.)
Wear Underoos.
Carve a large phallus. Pray to it daily.
Walk around with a hot dog sticking out of your fly. Act like it isn’t there.
Put a chamber pot in your closet. Fill it with lemon-lime Gatorade. Pretend to use it. Drink from it and offer your roommate a cup.
Make your finger talk to you. Write backwards on the walls.
Constantly ask your roommate, “Do you feel lucky?” while fingering a bulge under your jacket.
Put peas in the toilet everytime you go to the bathroom.
Listen to nothing but obscure Broadway musicals. Learn all the words and sing along. Be sure to do all the different voices.
Get a copy of your roommate’s car key. Turn his/her car around in its parking space. A few days later, move it to the next space. A few days after that, move it two spaces over. Continue until you start moving the car to a different lot.
Shave off one of your eyebrows. Buy a doll or plush animal and shave one of its eyebrows as well. Whenever you enter the room, give a secret salute and handshake to the toy. Sit with it for hours and talk loudly about the folly of the two-eyebrowed ones.
Open a can of his/her beans or spaghetti, empty it into his/her bed and then replace the can in the cupboard.
Replace the fuses in his electrical equipment with a lower rating.
Move all of his furniture outside. Tell him/her that it was such a nice day out, you wanted to be sure s/he enjoyed it.
Eat jewelry. Accessorize food.
Smash your roommate’s favorite cassettes and wrap the tape around your naked body, running around the apartment screaming “Fly, be free! Fly, be free!”
Watch TV at least 15 hours a day. Before doing so, turn the set around so it faces the wall. Watch the back of it.
Invite your roommate to play catch out in the yard. Every time you catch the ball, catch it near your head. Fall to the ground screaming.
Frantically scribble something on paper. When finished, eat it. Start again.
Complain about your menstral cramps. Loudly. This works best, of course, if you happen to be male.
Make some rice for dinner. Pause suddenly, spit out a mouthful and scream “Maggots! Maggots!” Blame your roommate. When done, make more rice and finish eating.
Try to convince your roommate that you are indeed Louis XVI of France. Every time he grabs a knife or cuts something scream in terror and go running out of the apartment clutching your neck.
Pretend you are Jan Brady. (Marsha Marsha Marsha!)
When talking to him/her, alternate between being exceedingly polite and disgustingly rude every sentence.
Scratch yourself and others. Stop when you draw blood.
Play violent games with imaginary friends.
Communicate using only your eyebrows and tongue.
Ask your roommate to pose for a portrait. Leave.
Sacrifice vegetables in the middle of the room.
Worship the Professor and Mary Ann.
Hang your roommate in effigy.
Never allow your roommate’s head to be below yours.
Pretend your arms and legs have been amputated. Insist that you “cannot wipe.”
Speak at length about your lust for Pippi Longstocking as your roommate tries to fall asleep.
Sit in the room all weekend rubbing a baseball bat. When your roommate enters the room, close your eyes and rub as fast as you can.
Complain vehemently that pedophilia legislation is “too restrictive.”
Find out your roommate’s mother’s name. Tatoo it on your inner thigh, then claim, “She made me do it!”
When your roommate has been awake for several minutes, run up to him/her screaming “Rashes! Rashes!” as loud as you can. Repeat during classes.
Light your hair on fire. Refuse to put it out.
Keep a harem of thirty Cabbage Patch Kids. Ask if your roommate “has any desires.”
While your roommate sleeps, insert straws into his/her nose. If s/he removes them, administer CPR.
Repeat everything your roommate says, but without the consonants.
When your roommate enters the room, chain yourself to the bed and make beckoning gestures. Look demure.
Go through his/her books hilighting all instances of the words “death” and “children.” Insist that he study them.
Go through medical supply catalogs circling all electric drill and suction devices. Leave them (the catalogs, not the devices) lying around.
Administer last rites as s/he sleeps.
Quote Bob Barker at length.
Wear decoder rings. Insist that s/he kiss them.
Wear a hard hat at all times. Remove it when your roommate enters the room and dive under the bed.
Pretend to administer electro-schock therapy as s/he studies.
Whenever s/he has friends over, complain loudly about his/her hygiene. Be graphic.
Paint targets on the back of all his/her shirts. Buy a crossbow.
When you write, use the wrong end of the pen. Ask him/her why it doesn’t work. When s/he explains it to you, nod thoughtfully and say, “OK, I’ve got it.” Turn the paper over, and try again.
Remove the shelves from the refrigerator. Sit inside, moaning periodically.
Leave urgent telephone messages for him/her when no one has called.
Give unsolicited sensual massages at least once daily.
Go for joy-rides in the washing machine.
Pack your roommate’s clothing in ice overnight. Put it back in the dresser before s/he wakes up.
Carry a crowbar with you at all times. Dress it.
Do all your homework in the bathroom, using the toilet as a desk.
Carry an electric fan at all times. Speak into it.
Follow your roommate around all day whispering, “I can reach where you can’t.”
Write on your arms and legs with coarse sandpaper.
Nail meat to the walls. Bacon is best.
Collect cow tongues. Paint them. Nail them up next to the bacon.
Try to eat your own ear.
Lie spread-eagled on your roommate’s bed. Make him/her move you.
Chase your roommate with a bloody toothbrush. Tell him/her “It only hurts for a little while.”
Lick his/her feet as he sleeps. If s/he wakes up, apologize. After s/he falls asleep, start licking his/her face.
Call him/her Mommy.
Invite your roommate’s parents to a “surprise” party for your roommate. When they get there, stone them.
Buy a gerbil. Go into your room and close the door. Hide the gerbil in the closet, and then giggle and squirm uncontrollably for the rest of the day.
Put tapes/CDs in the stereo and listen to them with the volume off. Replace them regularly. Tell your roommate to be quiet so you can hear.
Stand behind him/her while he brushes his teeth. When s/he takes the brush out of his/her mouth, force it back in.
Announce everything you do as a group activity. (i.e. “We’re going to bed now.”) If your roommate fails to do whatever you said, accuse him/her of not being a “team player.”
Every hour on the hour, call to get the time. Reset each of your clocks to the second. Remark that your roommate has no respect for the virtue of being prompt.
Plug your telephone handset into your modem’s in jack. Make the modem noises into the handset. (“Wheeeheeeeooooaiyeee…”) Complain about how your stupid computer never works.
Develop partial amnesia each time you go to sleep. When you wake up, claim to have forgotten anything regarding your roommate. Spend hours finding out everything about him/her, and just before you go to bed, say you think you and s/he will be great friends. When you wake up, claim to have forgotten anything regarding your roommate…
When your roommate leaves the room, raid his/her sock drawer. Switch one of each pair of your roommate’s socks with one of your own.
Buy a bunch of T-shirts with flamboyant designs. Wear them inside out. Look in the mirror often and say, “This looked so much better in the store…”
Watch TV continually. Change channels so that you only see the commercials. Memorize the commercials verbatim and chant them after lights out.
Spell out the last word of each sentence you say to your roommate.
Learn Morse code. Adopt it as your sole method of communication.
Announce on the answering machine that your roommate has moved out. Tell anyone who calls for him/her not to call here anymore.
When your roommate is out of the room, move his/her possessions over to your side of the room. When s/he returns, throw the things back over to your roommate’s side, angrily telling him/her, “Stop invading my space.”
Redivide the room horizontally. Claim you want the bottom half.
Eat lots of alphabet soup. Throw out any of the letters that are in your roommate’s name; claim you want nothing to do with them.
Count down the days till the next full moon. Whenever you cross out another day, get a wild look in your eyes and mutter, “Soon…so very soon…”
Read your textbooks aloud. Ask your roommate for help on big words.
Compose an obituary for your roommate. Keep it posted in a conspicuous place and update it frequently. Report the date of death as one week before the end of the semester.
Give your roommate a jar of peanuts. Wait until s/he has eaten half of them, then explain they used to be chocolate-covered, but you licked all the chocolate off of them. As an aside, mention that you are coming down with the flu.
Explain that you need to sell your bed to make ends meet. Ask if you can sleep in your roommate’s bed. If s/he refuses, ask if you can sell his/her bed instead.
Two words: pet liverwurst.
Move all of your possessions to your roommate’s side of the room, and all of his/her possessions to your side. Move everything back the next day. Do this each day for a week.
If your roommate has cans of Chef Boyardee, buy dog food in similar-size cans. Switch the labels.
Hold a raffle with your roommate as the prize.
Five minutes after you go to bed, claim that you think the Boogeyman is hiding in your closet. Make your roommate check the closet. Five minutes later, claim he is hiding under your bed. Make your roommate check. Repeat as desired.
Dress as similarly as possible like your roommate. Walk closely next to him/her the whole day, remarking “Don’t we look like twins?” to any passersby.
Do impressions all the time. Good ones to try: Mr. T, Gilbert Gottfried, Judy Tenuta, Roseanne Barr.
Become a secret agent for a week. Eat every piece of paper after reading it. Speak into your lapel. Accuse your roommate of stealing the secret plans to the world’s greatest battlestation. Carry a gun.
Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime.

And at Christmas time…
Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and trash on the floor.
Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off.
Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.
Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, “Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…”
Hang mistletoe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
Hang a stocking with your roommate’s name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say “You’ve been very naughty this year.”
Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (i.e. “You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.”)
Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
Sing: “All I want for Christmas is my roommate’s two front teeth…”
Give your roommate the gifts from the “Twelve Days of Christmas” song.
Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically, “It didn’t work!”
Whip your roommate screaming “Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen…”
Tear down all your roommate’s Christmas decorations yelling “Bah Humbug!”
Wake up every morning screaming “Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!”
Tell your roommate you’re moving out. Santa’s buying you a house on 34th Street.
Pin a pointsettia to your lapel.
Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate’s friends “give it a yank.”
Ring jingle bells maniacally saying, “Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”
Stand in front of the mirror reciting “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” over and over in your underwear.
Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, “He sees you when you’re sleeping…”
Steal a life-size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks, tell him/her “I had to let them stay here, there’s no room at the inn.”
When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santa’s elves must have done it.
Smoke mistletoe. Do whatever comes naturally.

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