College Letter

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been four months since I left for college.  I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness.  I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down.  Don't read any further unless you are sitting down … OK?

Good.  I am getting along pretty well now.  The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now.  I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.  Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance.

He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.  It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute.  He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.  We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure it will be before I start to show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant.  I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.  The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him.  This will soon clear up, thanks to my daily penicillin injections.  I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms.  He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious.  Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are.  I am sure you will love him as I do.  His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his native African village.

I guess that's it.  Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life.

However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,